The feelings I cannot be sure of

I keep looking for reassurance that my feelings are real, that I am real. I spent so much of my life having my feelings identified for me and often incorrectly, that I continually look for affirmation. How can loving hurt so much?

So simple: because I can never be sure it's love. When I ache. When I desire. When I burn. When it becomes so bad I cry. When I start to feel hopeless. When the needs overwhelm what I can give... or what I can receive. Can it still be love? Or am I just lost in some neurotic nightmare?

And when I am jubilant, overjoyed, exuberant, gleeful... is it love? Or just an ego trip? It's so awful to doubt. It's so hard to have faith.

For this I pray. It is what I was taught to call it, but I'm not even sure the method is the one I should use anymore.

(Side note: I finally paid for my Live Journal... but I don't know how to Use It!)