Clean slate

I want a fresh start. I want to begin again. I have decided that I am the only one who can give it to me, and waiting for others to do so has given me no satisfaction so far.

Here is some background, for anyone who wants to know. You can skip it if you want:

There is something in astrology called a Saturn return. It is the time when the generational planet, Saturn, comes back into the sign it was in when you were born. Mine was in Taurus. Most of you who are my friends were born in that same time period, between 1969 and 1971. Anyway, according to astrologists, it is supposed to be a time of re-evaluating your life, when the things of your past 30 years that have had value come back to you; old things pass away, or become new; your life changes direction, or you adjust the direction you're already going.

I've talked to many of my friends about this, because my Saturn returned with a vengeance. Relationships that had been thought dead, some for a decade or longer, reformed. At least one relationship that had seemed permanent dissolved, apparently for good. I rehashed issues about my parents, my childhood, my boyfriends; I got divorced, I moved, I changed jobs, I chased boys, and let them chase me.

I found out something interesting. The things that I knew when I was younger, I relearned, even stronger.


The transition started in earnest with the death of my mother's father at the end of January 2000. Yesterday, my mother's mother was buried. And because I'm good enough, strong enough and confident enough, I say, this transition period is now officially over.

That's it for the background, if you were skipping. :-)

*****

I am officially me. Priscilla T. "Kat" Parkman. I have been known by a number of names: Katerina, Scylla, (Miss) Kitty and lots of variations, such as the infamous unnickname given by Janel: Kittycatscyllahoneybabyluv. (Yes, I really like that one.) I am all of them. I claim all of them, including dulcinea, Rhue Kyla, and Chierra Elyse. I am me, and I am not afraid.

I do not have any romantic, committed, sexual relationships right now. I intend to take my time before I do have such a relationship. I have been recently disappointed in a number of relationships, partially, or mostly (or in some cases, maybe even all, but I'll leave that up to the individual to judge) because I did things I wasn't ready for, committed to things without reading the fine print; it's amazing what things will mean to people when you don't clarify beforehand. :-/

If you want to see me, call me. If you want to be involved with me romantically, tell me. If you want a commitment, ask me. But don't expect me to say yes until I know what I'm agreeing to. I'm not afraid of being alone. I'm not panting for a relationship to make me complete. I don't need to fix anything.

Seeing me doesn't include the right to know about all the rest of my relationships. Being able to have my trust and confidence about other things in my life means showing me that they will be regarded as important and treated with respect. I have had a lot of trouble in the past depending on people. I have learned to re-open that part of myself. It was hard, because I didn't realize how long ago I had closed it off.

In other words, that door is creaky and slow to open. Exposing myself, as I have in the past, brazenly telling my stories of my escapades, has done nothing to build intimacy, but rather to push it away. Hey, that was what it was meant to do, apparently, and it worked. Well, I'm going to try not telling everything I know to everyone. As I learn to like you, trust you, respect you, I will open up more to you. When you can't handle something, do me the favor of telling me, and I'll do the same. If it means waiting for the relationship to get deeper, fine. If it means stopping at that level of friendship, fine.

I am not going to overextend myself for a relationship anymore. I have good friends, good support, hobbies, jobs, dreams, ideas, imagination and, of course, coffee. In the past I would do what I did not want, because I needed to be needed, useful, accepted. Because I feared rejection. There are people in my life now, who (unlike most of the people of my past) know me very well and love me anyway. Thank you, every one of you, (Janel, Cos, DeAnna, Thor, Wes, Mark, John M., Mamma, Granny) and even those of you who don't know me so well, but have been willing to hang in there and see what happens (Chris V., Atari, Roon, Tor, Ami, Kibbles and Heather leap to mind, but if you think you deserve cred and didn't get it, go ahead and take it... in fact, tell me so I can give you props!)

I am still going to make mistakes. I may pull back, and you may not know why. It's not about you. I'll be okay. You'll be ok. We'll choose together what is mutually beneficial about our interactions. Thanks again for hanging in there. I love you all. *mwah*

In the meantime, there is the New Kat Order starting with ...

1. I want a motorcycle. A lot. Probably a Honda Shadow from the information I currently have. That's going to be a major goal. Saving my pennies, things like that. Immediately.

2. I like traveling. A lot. Maybe I'll take the motorcycle, maybe I'll take the Gay Deceiver, maybe I'll have to get a new car. But I intend to go to Key West. And someday I want to go to Ireland.

3. I want to have children. I want the next part of my life to be about building my family. I know who I am. I am ready to build something with someone else, as I can build a safe and healthy relationship with them.

I don't have anything further at the moment.
But there will be more.