Ooooh, this could get messy....

Alanis Morrissette's "Hands Clean" has been running through my head.

I get a feeling of anxiety around 11:45, 2 and 10....

I schedule things weirdly, as though I might have somewhere to go.

I am split, still, between the part that wants and the part that won't let me.
And as much as I hate it, the part that won't let me seems to be right.

I dreamed last night, repeated dreams of traveling somewhere in a vehicle... an otherworldly figure driving (my dead father? an angel?) and we are going over some rough road, hard to maneuver, narrow, or unpaved, and then we see the main road, and instead of continuing on the bad road, the spirit drives over something nigh impossible (wall, mudslide) at about a 75-85 degree angle, and we're suddenly back on the road.

I'm back on the road, is what I think it's saying. Not a relationship, but the road where I was seeking virtue and meaning in my life. the road where I was setting goals for myself and actually paying attention to my place in the world around me. And the thing is, both roads were going to the same place.

The story isn't over. I just don't know where it's going.

But I can't stay split, and this is the only way I see to do it. I have to build myself strong. I have to survive.

I want to find the answers. I don't want to be "the kind of girl you fuck" OR "the kind of girl you marry." I want to be "the kind of girl you adore your whole life."

I want to stop agonizing over wanting to prove him right, wanting to prove him wrong, needing to be understood and approved of.

I don't understand right now. It's been a long trip from where I was before, as a child. In my mind.

I want to be romantic, I love the attention. I'm afraid of it, afraid of finding out it's all lies.

Argh. I wish I could reinitialize this program.

(no subject)

I want to find the great good.
I am not sure what it looks like.

I am the only one who can judge it for me. There is no one else finally, who can tell me, except God, and so, I have to decide where I think I see Him, and what I think I understand about Him. And hope I get it right. Hope that trying to get it right is the important part and not actually GETTING it right.