(no subject)

He taught me to feel insecure, and jealous, and afraid that the things I cared about would be corrupted.

Who did this to him, so that he could do it to me?

And how easy to do it to someone else! What poison is this?

"It might take you less than 10 years to recover from," said Mark.

"Abuse is abuse, it does long-term damage."

And I cry, in gratitude. And horror. Did I fail him so badly? Was there a time when I should have been there to stop someone from doing it to him? Was it already there when he was 15? Was his innocence already so broken?

"There but for the Grace of God go I."

(no subject)

I will control myself.
I will live.

(no subject)

Sometimes I scream at how much it hurts.
Sometimes I laugh for joy at the mercy that still exists in the world in spite of it.

I crawl into this little soft warm space someone left for me here. I wonder how they knew I would need it.

Special

Those things that are just you and I, whoever you are. Does everyone need them?

The way Janel will offer me a cigarette, just to talk to me for a few minutes, when she hasn't seen me in a while, when we're busy with other people.
The way Roon has the nook behind the fireplace and the pocket message just for me.

There are many, but, insecure as I am, I see so few of them.

The list with Stan was nearly endless. But he only seemed to see one. It's the only one he seems to know how to see.

When I made the appointment to have my eyes looked at for laser surgery, there seemed to be something about it that was important. Suddenly the decision was made: it was time. There was something that said I was committed to being what I believed I was, a seeker, a believer.

Now I see. Now, I will refuse not to see. Now, I will not be blinded, anymore. Now, I will not live behind someone else's lens.


*****

You know something else? This is the fifth anniversary of my marriage.

(no subject)

It's a problem I have way too often for my tastes: I give up the things that other people might expect exclusivity on, because I don't want to be selfish, but then I don't know how to build a space just for me.