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The family:
My mother seems ill. She has a swelling in her ankle. But we had fun cooking dinner for everyone Christmas day. My mother has a post-Christmas Christmas supper, with shrimp etouffee over rice. My sister and brother-in-law and I and the niece and nephew and also my sister's ex-fiancee and his wife Amy, and their children and his brothers and parents. I'm amazed at how close they are, in spite of the differences. And my mother doesn't understand the relationship I have with Mark. But then again, apparently neither did I. (foreshadowing! dah-dah-DAH!)
My sister and I get a long so much better now that we have more distance and more things in common. She's part-owner of her gift store now, and I'm very proud of her. She had to take another job to make them see she was serious about leaving, but it seems like it's worked out. I talk to her about the new retail job (Body Hangings).
I love my niece and nephew. I play with their toys with them, and we watched "Elf." I gave Rebekah a diary and she squealed. "A diary! Teenagers have diaries!" I remember being that age and thinking that teenagers must be the coolest people in the world. My opinion really hasn't changed much. :) I can't wait to see what happens next.
The loot:
Ok, am I old enough to admit that I like presents as much as I did as a kid? That they're delightful to me? I also love giving them. Pretty things and pleasure going hand in hand makes me happy. I got nice bras and underwear and socks. Isn't that weird? But I needed them. And I got that tenor sax, which my mom bought used from her boss, whose kid used to play. Her boss was my dad's best friend before he died, so it's all in the family, and I'm sure my mom got a good deal, too. :) Earrings, a pedicure kit and new shoes round out the list along with a handful of gadget-keychains.
The weirdness:
I wore the same clothes almost the whole trip. I didn't know what I wanted to be wearing. I mostly wore these sweats and a t-shirt I bought at Wal-Mart on the way up.
The friends:
Emily was home from the hospital briefly before ripping out her sutures. My mother warned me about this when I had my surgery, so Emily's account of it was totally nauseating to me. Thanks, Mom.
(Haunted houses, clue: rip out your guts for me. I'll writhe on the floor.)
But we did get to go for pho and sushi which neither of us could finish, but both of us enjoyed for old times' sake.
She's taking that stuff Rush Limbaugh was taking, so she's trying not to take it. Get it?
Joleigh and Adam seemed okay. Ewan is doing well. I'm pleased that he's getting help for his speech, because I can really see now that he knows what he's saying, and I'd hate to see him left behind because of it.
Adam dropped pebbles and watched the ripples. Which always makes me want to hit him. But I needed that. It was a good evening.
We watched "Mary Poppins." I needed that, too.
Joleigh gave me a Rufus toy. I love him. :)
The next day Mark and I went to see Janel and Chris. Janel took time out of her schedule to see us, which really made me happy. Veronica was around a while, too. Her hair is all wild out and Medusa-ish.
The big deal:
Mark had been trying to get me to talk to him, he wanted to talk to me more often. I didn't think about it very much, but we had this conversation where he wanted me to meet Linda and I didn't want to. This was a week or two before Christmas, when we were talking about when we would get to meet.
I talked to him about not wanting to have to deal with meeting the girlfriend, and later he told me I didn't have to because it was the anniversary of her mother's death and she wasn't up to it. Guilt, guilt.
So I met him at the Java Monkey Sunday night and we talked for a couple of hours and planned to meet the next day. Somewhere in here I said that I was simply tired of feeling like I had to audition for my place in his life, each time he met someone new.
Monday, I went to his house to pick him up. We went to Janel's house to wait for her to come home from work. That's when he told me that he was convinced he was supposed to be with me forever. That he wanted me and Heather and him back together.
All the time, I was feeling quite senseless. I couldn't tell if it was the relief of not feeling the pain, or shock, or denial.
I still don't know how to feel, not to be afraid of being shut out of where I feel I belong.
I don't know what I might possibly have gotten right.
My mother seems ill. She has a swelling in her ankle. But we had fun cooking dinner for everyone Christmas day. My mother has a post-Christmas Christmas supper, with shrimp etouffee over rice. My sister and brother-in-law and I and the niece and nephew and also my sister's ex-fiancee and his wife Amy, and their children and his brothers and parents. I'm amazed at how close they are, in spite of the differences. And my mother doesn't understand the relationship I have with Mark. But then again, apparently neither did I. (foreshadowing! dah-dah-DAH!)
My sister and I get a long so much better now that we have more distance and more things in common. She's part-owner of her gift store now, and I'm very proud of her. She had to take another job to make them see she was serious about leaving, but it seems like it's worked out. I talk to her about the new retail job (Body Hangings).
I love my niece and nephew. I play with their toys with them, and we watched "Elf." I gave Rebekah a diary and she squealed. "A diary! Teenagers have diaries!" I remember being that age and thinking that teenagers must be the coolest people in the world. My opinion really hasn't changed much. :) I can't wait to see what happens next.
The loot:
Ok, am I old enough to admit that I like presents as much as I did as a kid? That they're delightful to me? I also love giving them. Pretty things and pleasure going hand in hand makes me happy. I got nice bras and underwear and socks. Isn't that weird? But I needed them. And I got that tenor sax, which my mom bought used from her boss, whose kid used to play. Her boss was my dad's best friend before he died, so it's all in the family, and I'm sure my mom got a good deal, too. :) Earrings, a pedicure kit and new shoes round out the list along with a handful of gadget-keychains.
The weirdness:
I wore the same clothes almost the whole trip. I didn't know what I wanted to be wearing. I mostly wore these sweats and a t-shirt I bought at Wal-Mart on the way up.
The friends:
Emily was home from the hospital briefly before ripping out her sutures. My mother warned me about this when I had my surgery, so Emily's account of it was totally nauseating to me. Thanks, Mom.
(Haunted houses, clue: rip out your guts for me. I'll writhe on the floor.)
But we did get to go for pho and sushi which neither of us could finish, but both of us enjoyed for old times' sake.
She's taking that stuff Rush Limbaugh was taking, so she's trying not to take it. Get it?
Joleigh and Adam seemed okay. Ewan is doing well. I'm pleased that he's getting help for his speech, because I can really see now that he knows what he's saying, and I'd hate to see him left behind because of it.
Adam dropped pebbles and watched the ripples. Which always makes me want to hit him. But I needed that. It was a good evening.
We watched "Mary Poppins." I needed that, too.
Joleigh gave me a Rufus toy. I love him. :)
The next day Mark and I went to see Janel and Chris. Janel took time out of her schedule to see us, which really made me happy. Veronica was around a while, too. Her hair is all wild out and Medusa-ish.
The big deal:
Mark had been trying to get me to talk to him, he wanted to talk to me more often. I didn't think about it very much, but we had this conversation where he wanted me to meet Linda and I didn't want to. This was a week or two before Christmas, when we were talking about when we would get to meet.
I talked to him about not wanting to have to deal with meeting the girlfriend, and later he told me I didn't have to because it was the anniversary of her mother's death and she wasn't up to it. Guilt, guilt.
So I met him at the Java Monkey Sunday night and we talked for a couple of hours and planned to meet the next day. Somewhere in here I said that I was simply tired of feeling like I had to audition for my place in his life, each time he met someone new.
Monday, I went to his house to pick him up. We went to Janel's house to wait for her to come home from work. That's when he told me that he was convinced he was supposed to be with me forever. That he wanted me and Heather and him back together.
All the time, I was feeling quite senseless. I couldn't tell if it was the relief of not feeling the pain, or shock, or denial.
I still don't know how to feel, not to be afraid of being shut out of where I feel I belong.
I don't know what I might possibly have gotten right.
