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It's Rude to be Smart--Ranty McRanterson Rants.
I got someone yelling at me the other day. I insulted them deeply.
I told them I was smart. this was in response to them snarking at me for being a know-it-all. Yes, I know I can come off as a condescending prig... as long as I only do it when I don't mind pissing someone off--not inadvertently--it doesn't bother me much. I'm smarter than most of the people I meet--or ever could meet. There's nothing I can do about it. I'm usually brought up short by realizing someone doesn't actually understand x and they're just not bright enough to grasp it! This is embarrassing when it happens. I usually assume that though I may be smart, I know smart people and I'm actually probably not saying anything that intellectually challenging. (Smart people! They're just like us! They wear pants! ... ok, sometimes... They knit sweaters! ... with Tim Burton characters on them ... They watch sports! ... ok, no, they don't... where was I? oh yeah!)
Usually, my challenge is to not treat everything I think, know, feel, and believe like smart-brain fodder. Other people's emotional responses aren't stupid. Relationship issues aren't always the result of not figuring it out. Right now, I'm knowing intellectually that I ought to be exercising, but I'm not. Attempting to think my way into shape is just not going to happen, but it's great procrastination. I'm even trying to be clever in this paragraph, whose entire message is "Clever is only good for so much, and that muchness is just a sliver of all the things I need to do."
But if I actually know something someone else doesn't? To say, "The proof is here, so I cannot continue to respect your position in light of the facts," is apparently REALLY insulting. After giving it a lot of thought, it doesn't seem reasonable that the insult is "There are other facts," "You don't know these other facts," "I do know other facts," or any combination of those. The insult is "I cannot respect your position."
The reason is, of course, because I've challenged that person's status. Specifically, I have said, "No, I will not cede the argument because I will not accept that you have a higher status/greater authority on the issue than I do."
But when I look at it more, it seems that what we have (Internet we? United States we?) is, in the name of individual, egalitarian fairness, letting everyone have a voice, shedding race, gender, color, etc. in the wonderful Internet--what we have is a deep-rooted denial of all status indicators. In the voice of a U.S.-ian, "It's incredibly rude to remind me that we're not all actually equal." In those old British books I used to read, it was also rude to talk about class, but that, as I saw it, was because if people acted as was appropriate to their status, then calling them on it wasn't necessary, so doing so was just "lording it about," especially if you were privileged enough to have a higher status.
Now.... now, something. I have noticed pissing off a number of people, not by the content of the facts or opinions, but by the Perception (real or imagined) that I was not giving them their propers. Maybe it's Rude to remind people of their status, or to claim a different status, or any status. But the results of not recognizing a status conflict have frequently been much ruder and more destructive.
Other examples: The person who dissed my offer of peer status, and unfriended me because I hadn't been studying this subject for 20 years like she has (no evidence of having actually done), or was it because I was the tricksy kind who wormed my way into someone else's confidence for personal gain, like she would never do (except that one time when she totally did and was on tv for it)? I didn't offer disrespect, but I definitely got her pissed off that she wasn't respected ENOUGH.
I've also done it. I have totally had people hollering at me lately that I wasn't allowing them their right to "free speech" in a "public space," because quite simply, On MY Facebook page/blog/other media, it is not public, and if you disrespect MY status, or I even think you do, I'll delete your comments, block all your comments, or outright ban you for rolling over on me. I don't have a lot of things I totally control, so you challenge the things I DO totally control, then you have lost all privilege there.
Yes, the use of the word "privilege" is, in all cases in this entry, deliberate.
Let's just stop here and call it a work in progress.
I told them I was smart. this was in response to them snarking at me for being a know-it-all. Yes, I know I can come off as a condescending prig... as long as I only do it when I don't mind pissing someone off--not inadvertently--it doesn't bother me much. I'm smarter than most of the people I meet--or ever could meet. There's nothing I can do about it. I'm usually brought up short by realizing someone doesn't actually understand x and they're just not bright enough to grasp it! This is embarrassing when it happens. I usually assume that though I may be smart, I know smart people and I'm actually probably not saying anything that intellectually challenging. (Smart people! They're just like us! They wear pants! ... ok, sometimes... They knit sweaters! ... with Tim Burton characters on them ... They watch sports! ... ok, no, they don't... where was I? oh yeah!)
Usually, my challenge is to not treat everything I think, know, feel, and believe like smart-brain fodder. Other people's emotional responses aren't stupid. Relationship issues aren't always the result of not figuring it out. Right now, I'm knowing intellectually that I ought to be exercising, but I'm not. Attempting to think my way into shape is just not going to happen, but it's great procrastination. I'm even trying to be clever in this paragraph, whose entire message is "Clever is only good for so much, and that muchness is just a sliver of all the things I need to do."
But if I actually know something someone else doesn't? To say, "The proof is here, so I cannot continue to respect your position in light of the facts," is apparently REALLY insulting. After giving it a lot of thought, it doesn't seem reasonable that the insult is "There are other facts," "You don't know these other facts," "I do know other facts," or any combination of those. The insult is "I cannot respect your position."
The reason is, of course, because I've challenged that person's status. Specifically, I have said, "No, I will not cede the argument because I will not accept that you have a higher status/greater authority on the issue than I do."
But when I look at it more, it seems that what we have (Internet we? United States we?) is, in the name of individual, egalitarian fairness, letting everyone have a voice, shedding race, gender, color, etc. in the wonderful Internet--what we have is a deep-rooted denial of all status indicators. In the voice of a U.S.-ian, "It's incredibly rude to remind me that we're not all actually equal." In those old British books I used to read, it was also rude to talk about class, but that, as I saw it, was because if people acted as was appropriate to their status, then calling them on it wasn't necessary, so doing so was just "lording it about," especially if you were privileged enough to have a higher status.
Now.... now, something. I have noticed pissing off a number of people, not by the content of the facts or opinions, but by the Perception (real or imagined) that I was not giving them their propers. Maybe it's Rude to remind people of their status, or to claim a different status, or any status. But the results of not recognizing a status conflict have frequently been much ruder and more destructive.
Other examples: The person who dissed my offer of peer status, and unfriended me because I hadn't been studying this subject for 20 years like she has (no evidence of having actually done), or was it because I was the tricksy kind who wormed my way into someone else's confidence for personal gain, like she would never do (except that one time when she totally did and was on tv for it)? I didn't offer disrespect, but I definitely got her pissed off that she wasn't respected ENOUGH.
I've also done it. I have totally had people hollering at me lately that I wasn't allowing them their right to "free speech" in a "public space," because quite simply, On MY Facebook page/blog/other media, it is not public, and if you disrespect MY status, or I even think you do, I'll delete your comments, block all your comments, or outright ban you for rolling over on me. I don't have a lot of things I totally control, so you challenge the things I DO totally control, then you have lost all privilege there.
Yes, the use of the word "privilege" is, in all cases in this entry, deliberate.
Let's just stop here and call it a work in progress.
no subject
But for many people, it really does seem that they feel entitled to not be challenged or questioned, particularly if that entitlement is based on their own sense of class or social standing. The ones who are worst about this are very practiced at bullying others into accepting them as knowledgeable (or at least pretending to accept that simply to keep the peace), so by the time they get to someone who really does, in fact, understand what they're trying to deal with, they don't know how to reconcile that with their own image of themselves as "expert", particularly if they're caught in something absurdly stupid that they can no longer bluff their way out of.
It's easy to forget, if you're one of the few who do actually understand things. It's a completely alien way of thinking.
I have noticed that the people most eager to judge others on their class of behavior appeal to class in ways that put them at an advantage. I don't think it's you being rude. I think it's the other person playing a manipulation game designed to con you into feeling you're being rude. I've been on the receiving end of that game more times than I can count.
And it's one thing for someone to cry "freedom of speech" on their own page. When they barge into your page and abuse you in comment threads on your posts, that's something else again, and if you delete their comments and/or ban them from your page, you're absolutely within your rights to do so. It's no more censorship than it would be to respond to someone standing in your front yard with a megaphone insulting and slandering you by calling the police and having them arrested for trespassing.
So I completely agree with what you're saying, and while you may feel uncomfortable, that's more an artifact of an unfair situation than any fault of yours ..
no subject
I think it's going to be informative because instead of having to do Exhaustive research to prove I'm right over and over, I can just decide on my desired relationship with the person (and those around them, such as the host of the webpage) and then work on whether I'm being insulting or not.
how this may actually help us get to facts may simply be in increasing the signal-to-noise ratio. Less fighting, more talking.
no subject
(Yes, it's been a while. Very happy to see you posting again, missed you..)
no subject