Defense

[scyllacat]

In Misterstan's defense:

He has not asked me to sever current relationships; he has no relationships he would want me to sever that have not already been severed, so therefore, such a request would be "irrelevant," as he says.

I, on the other hand, would like to ask him how he feels about Garrett and Atari right now, since these relationships have been, if not severed, effectively truncated as a result of our (mine and Stan's) relationship.

Although I understand that Stan still does not want to "deal" with former lovers, I do not feel that I want to ignore or cut off the friendly overtures by former lovers who feel kindly toward me and think of me as a friend. This may be an Issue. I am not sure.

As for the letter from Mark:

I take as much responsibility as may be laid upon me (possibly all, at least half) for repressing myself. I stopped talking about the stories of my life, the anecdotes which I used to frequently tell of what I thought were amusing, occasionally risque, and always self-revealing incidents that occurred with my former boyfriends and lovers.

This was based on Stan's disliking such stories and not wanting to hear about the former lovers in my life. The thought of my ~having~ former lovers caused (causes?) him pain.

I stopped being as physically affectionate, and indeed, as in touch, with my friends.

This is based mostly on a situation in which I invited a friend to do something with me and it was perceived by him as a) a date, b) taking away from him something that he had thought of as "special" and holding sentimental value for him.

I do not know that Stan ever intended such things, but it was at this point, because of this argument, that I became more withdrawn, reacting fearfully if people tried to get too close to me. I built up resentment because of that, and have failed to address it, causing Stan to be the brunt of a number of my own accusations, tirades, and crying fits, as fear bore down upon me.

I have asked that he allow me some space of quiet and reflection away from him, because I no longer feel the openness and trust that I did before. I felt that if I behaved like "myself" (which in the recent past included hanging out with anyone, male or female, alone or in groups, whenever I liked) it might start an argument.

This in and of itself is the response of an abuse victim. It is one of the major signifiers of emotional abuse. Did Stan actually emotionally abuse me? I do not know. But for me to respond in that manner certainly set the stage for repeated arguments and disagreements.

I know Stan will read this, and if he feels I have not sufficiently covered the bases, I will welcome any additional response from him. But I hope he will understand that it is my own self-understanding, my own personality, my own open loving self that I am attempting to get in touch with, and not any attack or criticism of him I intend.

The reason I put those two letters up on the journal was because they offer great insight into who I am. I was touched to the point of tears by both of these people who would offer their opinions of me, their respect and love, and their defense, even though it might have been an unnecessary defense.

These letters talk about who I am and who I want to be, and the criticisms and negative comments should not be taken personally, because they are, as all opinions and emotions are, a composite of the feelings of the person writing them, and their response to stimuli around them.

I will validate Mark's feelings about me, because he saw firsthand the fear and withdrawal. Having seen that response from me before... having seen me do that in response to HIM in the past, his anger, I believe, stemmed in part from guilt over the pain we had caused each other in the past. He was willing to blame Stan for pushing the buttons of my past with him (Mark).

This may have been improper as a criticism of Stan's current behavior. But I believe it was also fair warning, that Stan should notice that I had "shrunk" -- was withdrawing within myself and not taking the support and emotional nourishment that I had built for myself.

I would ask Stan to look to these things, said by my friends (by which I also include Thor, Roon, Ami, Purple and Janel) as cautionary. If these things they fear are ~not~ happening, then his emotional support of me in defining and caring for myself will be essential in helping me not to fall into patterns of self-invalidation.

Perhaps, as a recovering co-dependent (and I think it may be a long time before I forgive my mother for this) I should have revealed my handicaps to him long ago.

But I resolve to be beautiful, and loving, and free. I love you all. Peace out.