I hate today suddenly, and it's all my own fault.

[scyllacat]

I had a date... and it started too late and ended too soon. I had another date, and I missed it all together. I postponed the third date I had today, and now it seems like it's too late to have it anyway, because Mark has gotten back online without telling me anything. He didn't call, send an email, or get on Instant Messenger. So now I'm being stood up by someone when I know perfectly well where they are and what they're doing.

I tried to get back on the muck and found out unexpectedly why I hadn't been on, and it's all about Roon, and he knows it, and there's nothing, nothing, nothing I can do, still. And nothing has gotten better, it's only gotten worse, because now I'm nothing.

And I thought I was ready for that. But I guess my illusion of things being ok was only the illusion that -I- was the one choosing not to go back. I guess I'm not the one choosing not to go back.

It all hurts so fucking bad right now. Tiffany, Faith, Ami, the unnamed girlfriends of Christian (Raven? River?)... I'm so tired of being no one. I'm so tired of being the kind of girl you fuck.

Comments

[elorie.livejournal.com]

Yabbut...I know Someone who doesn't see you that way....I know this because, basically, it's not in him to see someone as merely a lay. It wouldn't enter his head.

I'm aware that doesn't make other people's behavior any less excruciating. But I thought I'd mention it.

[scyllacat.livejournal.com]

Noted, appreciated.... I know and I believe you. It's one of the reasons he's such a great friend. It's one of the reasons I like him, because he reminds me of boys I felt comfortable with as a teenager. Able to be myself. I found out I'm shy!?!

Actually, as far as cranking up the angst motor today, I'm clearing out a lot of old stuff, both physically and emotionally. I still want to be friends with ALL the folks in my life, but I'm not going to carry some of this crap around any more... if it means I have to make a break or distance myself from some things, ok... only a few things are worth making the effort for... unfortunately, there's time to do even fewer, if you are a perfectionist like I am... :)

This seems to be some sort of nesting preparation. This has been a long time coming... I'm about 18 months late to clean out my closet. But I finally found some motivation to get rid of the dead wood and stabilize my situation. You guys have been one of the biggest parts of the whole thing. I would really like the chance to get used to having this kind of friend around. :) I'm working constantly to be good enough to have the kind of life I actually enjoy ... but giving myself lots of breaks... not too much intensity in any given project ... like on those speed tests. If you get stuck, skip this for now....