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Dragon*Con never really gets enjoyable for me until I don't have to leave the convention anymore. Taking the car out of the garage to go anywhere and back takes well over an hour. Saturday morning I had to go out because I had to cash my paycheck. For some reason, my boss postdated the checks for Saturday instead of Friday. I was able to pull out $200.
(Then they held the rest of the check until Thursday, what's up with THAT, already)
It got to where it was positively frustrating, because, after the debacle of Thursday's "cheap" parking, I spent $43 parking three times in two different garages, and finally found "free" parking in the lot between Suntrust and the church (St. Somebody's).
In addition to the money and parking issues, I was also trying NOT to be predatory as I had been in the past. It is difficult to explain, but there was an innocent and naive girl that I used to be when I was younger. She was also weirdly old, in that she could give good advice, and was very compassionate. Boys who liked her wanted to marry her. I tried to get rid of her, she was scaing me so much.
But now, I missed her. I missed her femininity, I missed her optimism and sweetness and gentleness. I tried to wake her up and put her back where she belonged. "Kat" had evolved to protect "Priscilla" and no one believed Priscilla existed anymore.
The problem is, Priscilla needed to be protected. When she should have been maturing and learning to be a woman, she was being stifled and forced to stay a little girl... or not even a little girl, because a little girl may be touched and shown affection to. So, given the choice between being neglected into asexuality and the opposite, I chose the opposite. I didn't know that's what I was doing at the time.
Upshot of all this is that at D*C I was in a state of fight-or-flight for most of Friday and Saturday. I was afraid of everything around me, because there were so many people and so much noise. I found out that there are people who, because I was gentle, would want me to indulge them... and others who thought I was easy prey. There was no one who adored and respected me. But I don't know what I expected.
(Then they held the rest of the check until Thursday, what's up with THAT, already)
It got to where it was positively frustrating, because, after the debacle of Thursday's "cheap" parking, I spent $43 parking three times in two different garages, and finally found "free" parking in the lot between Suntrust and the church (St. Somebody's).
In addition to the money and parking issues, I was also trying NOT to be predatory as I had been in the past. It is difficult to explain, but there was an innocent and naive girl that I used to be when I was younger. She was also weirdly old, in that she could give good advice, and was very compassionate. Boys who liked her wanted to marry her. I tried to get rid of her, she was scaing me so much.
But now, I missed her. I missed her femininity, I missed her optimism and sweetness and gentleness. I tried to wake her up and put her back where she belonged. "Kat" had evolved to protect "Priscilla" and no one believed Priscilla existed anymore.
The problem is, Priscilla needed to be protected. When she should have been maturing and learning to be a woman, she was being stifled and forced to stay a little girl... or not even a little girl, because a little girl may be touched and shown affection to. So, given the choice between being neglected into asexuality and the opposite, I chose the opposite. I didn't know that's what I was doing at the time.
Upshot of all this is that at D*C I was in a state of fight-or-flight for most of Friday and Saturday. I was afraid of everything around me, because there were so many people and so much noise. I found out that there are people who, because I was gentle, would want me to indulge them... and others who thought I was easy prey. There was no one who adored and respected me. But I don't know what I expected.
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(no subject)
Date: 2003-09-06 04:36 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2003-09-07 08:10 am (UTC)Love you, sweetie.
(no subject)
Date: 2003-09-07 04:43 pm (UTC)Love you, too. I am here for you.