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I have already had at least one friend point out that if things aren't
opening up again until New Year's there's still the chance to get the "jump"
on the competition by showing up in hopes of bagging a job that may not start
for two or three weeks. Sounds like my father's kind of advice, actually.
One of my friends wrote me a long letter telling me everything
that was wrong was my own fault, I've run my friends off, and so no one cares if I want to take off to New Orleans on some "fling."
Except for the way she draws her conclusions, I have to agree. I have found
myself NOT wanting these friends any more as I have found out that things
could be better for me. I mean, who wants to put up with a friend who is
afraid to have people know he hangs out with you? I think I already put up
with that shit ages 6-9... Who wants to have a friend who looks on you as an
incompetent emotional basket case that he's salvaging? The fact that he may
be RIGHT doesn't mean that it's a good thing to buy into.
Could I have deliberately-on-accident said things to these people to piss
them off? MAY-be. Ok, yes, yes, I do think so.
Here's the thing: I'm not worried about what she thinks. I'm not worried
whether she decides to like me anymore or not. I actually feel better looking
at the "worst" she had to say to me, and thinking, that wasn't as bad as I
thought. There are not any hidden boogey men, I'm not Jeckyll and Hyde, my
faults are about what I thought they were.
But there's a reason I'm bringing this up, I suppose, and I'm beating around
the bush.
From all the indications I can see, I am hystrionic. Meaning that,
apparently, I tend to try to be the squeaky wheel that gets the grease; that
I one-up, make shocking remarks, even throw temper tantrums in order to make
sure that I get the attention, and the world revolves around me.
I don't see it this way, and that's why it worries me. It's like looking at
me from the outside and me from the inside and they don't match and so I
don't know what to do about that.
My mother pointed out to me on the phone the other day... what if you lose your temper like you do? I said, I don't know, mom, I worry about it. I think that if people really understood that when I'm upset I don't actually want attention -- I
mean, you don't try to pet a dog that's growling at you -- then when I
recover from feeling threatened, and sort out my emotions, I can cope again,
and I'll come back.
She said, yeah, I had to figure that out, that you can't really control it
sometimes.
So, I'm letting you know, my worst fault and my worst secret... the one that
everyone knows and no one talks about. When I'm upset, I make noise. People
don't like me "causing a scene" and so, even when not the person who "caused"
the problem, I've been a convenient scapegoat, like, "no wonder they broke
up, his ex is CRAZY."
I'm not saying I haven't been to the edge. I found that having the police
called because the neighbors heard screaming does wonders for calming you
down. But I haven't been there in a long time. Like almost a decade long
time. I am on the side of controlling myself these days. But I might slip.
And slips have cost me friends and relationships, some of which I even valued.
And maybe you'll see all this as a lot of worrying about something that
hasn't happened yet. I've come a long way in not putting myself in situations
that cause that kind of response (don't keep trying to salvage the
relationship with the guy who is cheating and lying... you'll scream, and
then later, you'll be crazy and screaming.) -- but there's no way to always
avoid conflict, and coming up with strategies, or even defense mechanisms
that will "flip the breaker" before things get too bad, is difficult.
So, I'm still in therapy. :)
Most of the time, I like myself. I'm clever, attractive, funny, sweet, loyal
to an absolute FAULT, honest, intelligent, and interesting. I have a lot of
integrity, and I care about trying to be a good person. I think these things
are good and important; they're MY values.
The days when I say mean things, or yell, or cry for no reason, or let shit
get to me... well, the whole thing can be two minutes worth, and it can ruin
the whole day and make me think I'm a bad person.
opening up again until New Year's there's still the chance to get the "jump"
on the competition by showing up in hopes of bagging a job that may not start
for two or three weeks. Sounds like my father's kind of advice, actually.
One of my friends wrote me a long letter telling me everything
that was wrong was my own fault, I've run my friends off, and so no one cares if I want to take off to New Orleans on some "fling."
Except for the way she draws her conclusions, I have to agree. I have found
myself NOT wanting these friends any more as I have found out that things
could be better for me. I mean, who wants to put up with a friend who is
afraid to have people know he hangs out with you? I think I already put up
with that shit ages 6-9... Who wants to have a friend who looks on you as an
incompetent emotional basket case that he's salvaging? The fact that he may
be RIGHT doesn't mean that it's a good thing to buy into.
Could I have deliberately-on-accident said things to these people to piss
them off? MAY-be. Ok, yes, yes, I do think so.
Here's the thing: I'm not worried about what she thinks. I'm not worried
whether she decides to like me anymore or not. I actually feel better looking
at the "worst" she had to say to me, and thinking, that wasn't as bad as I
thought. There are not any hidden boogey men, I'm not Jeckyll and Hyde, my
faults are about what I thought they were.
But there's a reason I'm bringing this up, I suppose, and I'm beating around
the bush.
From all the indications I can see, I am hystrionic. Meaning that,
apparently, I tend to try to be the squeaky wheel that gets the grease; that
I one-up, make shocking remarks, even throw temper tantrums in order to make
sure that I get the attention, and the world revolves around me.
I don't see it this way, and that's why it worries me. It's like looking at
me from the outside and me from the inside and they don't match and so I
don't know what to do about that.
My mother pointed out to me on the phone the other day... what if you lose your temper like you do? I said, I don't know, mom, I worry about it. I think that if people really understood that when I'm upset I don't actually want attention -- I
mean, you don't try to pet a dog that's growling at you -- then when I
recover from feeling threatened, and sort out my emotions, I can cope again,
and I'll come back.
She said, yeah, I had to figure that out, that you can't really control it
sometimes.
So, I'm letting you know, my worst fault and my worst secret... the one that
everyone knows and no one talks about. When I'm upset, I make noise. People
don't like me "causing a scene" and so, even when not the person who "caused"
the problem, I've been a convenient scapegoat, like, "no wonder they broke
up, his ex is CRAZY."
I'm not saying I haven't been to the edge. I found that having the police
called because the neighbors heard screaming does wonders for calming you
down. But I haven't been there in a long time. Like almost a decade long
time. I am on the side of controlling myself these days. But I might slip.
And slips have cost me friends and relationships, some of which I even valued.
And maybe you'll see all this as a lot of worrying about something that
hasn't happened yet. I've come a long way in not putting myself in situations
that cause that kind of response (don't keep trying to salvage the
relationship with the guy who is cheating and lying... you'll scream, and
then later, you'll be crazy and screaming.) -- but there's no way to always
avoid conflict, and coming up with strategies, or even defense mechanisms
that will "flip the breaker" before things get too bad, is difficult.
So, I'm still in therapy. :)
Most of the time, I like myself. I'm clever, attractive, funny, sweet, loyal
to an absolute FAULT, honest, intelligent, and interesting. I have a lot of
integrity, and I care about trying to be a good person. I think these things
are good and important; they're MY values.
The days when I say mean things, or yell, or cry for no reason, or let shit
get to me... well, the whole thing can be two minutes worth, and it can ruin
the whole day and make me think I'm a bad person.
