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The light strikes me today. The glow of the monitor, the light filtering through the window from the street, the shadows from the different angles.
I knew what I wanted to write today, but I couldn't start until I had an audience. Until someone showed up I could 'talk to.' Perform for? Anyway, It's at least a rough draft.
I wrote this:
Once there was this couple who really wanted children, but they couldn't have any, and so they adopted this incredibly bright little girl, who turned out to be very sick for a long time. The parents were just flabbergasted by this kid constantly. She was a challenge and a headache and also very precious and fragile.
The family also really strongly believed in Good, so much so that they denied how they felt and things they wanted because they didn't believe in themselves as much as they believed in what they were told was Good.
But something had happened to the little girl when she got sick and she became really anxious and terrified something bad would happen to her, because she was so scared. The parents were so relieved she was ok physically, that they never talked to her about being scared or angry, so the little girl figured she wasn't supposed to feel that way. And she did that about a lot of things, from then on. She listened to what her parents said was Right and Good, even when it contradicted her own sense of who she was, what she felt, and sometimes even Truth.
Because, as I said, the little girl was VERY smart and the sort of incomplete information you give children only caused her to come to some wrong conclusions.
The little girl started to be in Pain a lot. She had nightmares and insomnia from worrying that she would die and go to hell.
So the little girl went to church and asked Jesus to save her, because she knew he loved her. But the pain did not go away. She did not know how to make it go away. Sometimes she thought God was angry and sometimes she thought she had to suffer because even Jesus did, and then she thought that was sacrilegious, because everyone knows 9 year old girls aren't messiahs, and they don't Suffer or know Real Pain. They are Innocent and taken care of.
Unfortunately, she didn't have many friends because, between her intelligence and her Strict Religious Convictions, she came out looking really Different.
Then the thing happened that I looked at again today, the thing that Changed. The little girl started to enter adolescence. And her father had NO Idea what to do. For some reason, whether it was Belief, or Not Being Able To Have Children, or Wanting the Little Girl to be a Success, or Really Wanting a Son.... the father did not want the little girl to learn anything about sex, or how to be a woman and deal with men. He made fun of her boyfriends and told her they only wanted to have sex with her.
I finally realized, when I talked to my old friend yesterday and today, what it meant that that was Wrong.
I spent years of my life in a double bind because I needed something my father couldn't give me and when I went looking for it, he felt threatened and told me it was no good.
So, now, I am going to retell another old story, that is actually the continuation of the first story. Except this is a happy story.
When Kitty was 13 years old, she was completely innocent. She was devoted and loyal and smart and sweet and very gentle.
She went to Band and met a Drum Major, who told her how to march. He saw this little light shining, brilliant and loving and idealistic. He wanted to protect it, but he felt inadequate to the job. But Kitty saw the Drum Major and knew he understood that life did not make sense and Something was Happening that the grown ups weren't telling them and that he struggled, too.
Everyone, including Kitty and the Drum Major, thought Kitty was In Love with Stan. And her father teased and scolded, and her friends teased in a more friendly way, but Kitty was Ashamed.
However, in Fact, Kitty and Stan were the same kind of soul, and Recognized each other; Stan became a big brother and Knight Protector to Kitty. She inspired him to try to be Better; he gave her the room and the freedom to Grow Up. The Bandroom became their Home.
Ever since that time, they still meet every once in a while. Kitty goes to find Stan whenever she needs to touch base with the part of her that woke up that day. Finally, 18 years later, She learned to believe that Stan was really her Brother and Loved her Very Much. They had changed each other because they believed in each other. Suddenly, she could talk to him again, without being afraid. And it's only 2001.
I knew what I wanted to write today, but I couldn't start until I had an audience. Until someone showed up I could 'talk to.' Perform for? Anyway, It's at least a rough draft.
I wrote this:
Once there was this couple who really wanted children, but they couldn't have any, and so they adopted this incredibly bright little girl, who turned out to be very sick for a long time. The parents were just flabbergasted by this kid constantly. She was a challenge and a headache and also very precious and fragile.
The family also really strongly believed in Good, so much so that they denied how they felt and things they wanted because they didn't believe in themselves as much as they believed in what they were told was Good.
But something had happened to the little girl when she got sick and she became really anxious and terrified something bad would happen to her, because she was so scared. The parents were so relieved she was ok physically, that they never talked to her about being scared or angry, so the little girl figured she wasn't supposed to feel that way. And she did that about a lot of things, from then on. She listened to what her parents said was Right and Good, even when it contradicted her own sense of who she was, what she felt, and sometimes even Truth.
Because, as I said, the little girl was VERY smart and the sort of incomplete information you give children only caused her to come to some wrong conclusions.
The little girl started to be in Pain a lot. She had nightmares and insomnia from worrying that she would die and go to hell.
So the little girl went to church and asked Jesus to save her, because she knew he loved her. But the pain did not go away. She did not know how to make it go away. Sometimes she thought God was angry and sometimes she thought she had to suffer because even Jesus did, and then she thought that was sacrilegious, because everyone knows 9 year old girls aren't messiahs, and they don't Suffer or know Real Pain. They are Innocent and taken care of.
Unfortunately, she didn't have many friends because, between her intelligence and her Strict Religious Convictions, she came out looking really Different.
Then the thing happened that I looked at again today, the thing that Changed. The little girl started to enter adolescence. And her father had NO Idea what to do. For some reason, whether it was Belief, or Not Being Able To Have Children, or Wanting the Little Girl to be a Success, or Really Wanting a Son.... the father did not want the little girl to learn anything about sex, or how to be a woman and deal with men. He made fun of her boyfriends and told her they only wanted to have sex with her.
I finally realized, when I talked to my old friend yesterday and today, what it meant that that was Wrong.
I spent years of my life in a double bind because I needed something my father couldn't give me and when I went looking for it, he felt threatened and told me it was no good.
So, now, I am going to retell another old story, that is actually the continuation of the first story. Except this is a happy story.
When Kitty was 13 years old, she was completely innocent. She was devoted and loyal and smart and sweet and very gentle.
She went to Band and met a Drum Major, who told her how to march. He saw this little light shining, brilliant and loving and idealistic. He wanted to protect it, but he felt inadequate to the job. But Kitty saw the Drum Major and knew he understood that life did not make sense and Something was Happening that the grown ups weren't telling them and that he struggled, too.
Everyone, including Kitty and the Drum Major, thought Kitty was In Love with Stan. And her father teased and scolded, and her friends teased in a more friendly way, but Kitty was Ashamed.
However, in Fact, Kitty and Stan were the same kind of soul, and Recognized each other; Stan became a big brother and Knight Protector to Kitty. She inspired him to try to be Better; he gave her the room and the freedom to Grow Up. The Bandroom became their Home.
Ever since that time, they still meet every once in a while. Kitty goes to find Stan whenever she needs to touch base with the part of her that woke up that day. Finally, 18 years later, She learned to believe that Stan was really her Brother and Loved her Very Much. They had changed each other because they believed in each other. Suddenly, she could talk to him again, without being afraid. And it's only 2001.
