Help! Confinement!

I am wearing, for what may be the first time in several months, both panties and bra. It feels like I can't breathe. I think I may have to trade permanently for sports bras. This began sometime in my childhood, I'm sure, probably around the age of 12, when I had to get up on Sunday mornings, and put on hose and panties (not necessarily in that order.... not necessarily not in that order... I'm expecting hotcoffeems to get this, but not too many others) and a slip and a bra and a piece of elastic around the slip at the waist in order to make it short enough, and then a skirt and blouse and jacket over that. The whole thing was just confining. I can feel the claustrophobia now.

This is not my life; this is a test; this is a sham...

I am sick and tired of my life.

Ok, first. Today, I had a day off. The first thing I did was sleep through most of it, like from 4a-11a, then 1p-5p. Then I woke up, took a bath, and went to see "Solaris" with Wes. The 7:10 show. I did not like it. I thought it dragged, was preachy, didn't tell me anything new, and hit too close to home in spots. But Wes liked it. Maybe next time we'll find something we both like. Both our last two excursions were kind of quiet and dreadful. We should definitely do something action or comedy next time.

So, it's 10:15 p.m. right now, and I have slept all day, eaten popcorn and chocolate pie, not exercised or seen anyone, not worked on my budget or my magazine...

I'm tired of my lack of motivation. I don't remember to do half the stuff I should. Like take my medicine. I wish someone would bring it to me. With a cup of coffee, every morning. I feel like, if there were someone every day, in my life, at a set place and time, I would have more structure. And with more structure, I might get around to doing the things I want to do.

What I hear when I say things like that is, you should care enough about yourself to do it for yourself. Well, I should. Where do I get some?

I'm tired of secondhand love, too. There are a couple of people I'd really like to be with, but they have other partners. It's not the polyamory I mind, it's the fact that nowadays I always come after everything else. There are other people, some of whom are in other states; some of them also have other partners. There's one person who doesn't seem to want me for anything but sex, and another who ... well, I'm not sure we really have anything in common, although I think he's a wonderful person.

Basically, it's as much my fault as theirs. Because I want to be the person I used to be. I want to tell them all this is a farce. I've spent so much time covering myself up, being tough enough to laugh at myself, and I no longer feel like it's my self I'm laughing at.

I am naive, innocent and faithful. I want to be loved more than anything. I am loyal to my friends and I believe in God because I'm afraid to be alone. I don't mind dying, I do it all the time (A coward dies a thousand deaths...).

I want someone to tell me what they want me to do. I want them to remind me of what I want to be, to soothe and tell me it's ok. I want that to be part of their role. I know you (yeah, you) are going to tell me it's ok, but you have your life, there, and no matter how much I love you or you love me, I feel like I've never really had an equal partner.

I have to go now. This will join the long list of unfinished half-baked LJ posts.