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I am me. I am in control of myself. I belong to myself first and foremost. I can make a promise and keep it, but I do not have to give control of myself over to someone else.
12+ years ago, I lost my virginity. Yeah, you needed to know that, I know, I know....
I lost my virginity because it had no value to me anymore. There was no one to save it for, no reason to believe the fact of it had any redeeming quality. After all, I'd already made my parents ashamed of me, been used, listened to all my dearest friends tell me about losing their virginities.
For a while after that, I was a sexual adventurer. I slept with people because I thought they were cute, or I wondered if I could get them in bed (Yes, a very male idea for a teenage/20-something girl to carry around) or because I was curious. I tried a lot of different things. I did some things I wouldn't do again, ever. I did some things that I probably, in the same circumstances, would do the same way, but I wish I hadn't ever been in those circumstances.
I became a pagan. I went into therapy. I went to conventions. I took a chance or two on "True Love." I learned to be a reporter. I acted in community theater. I became a regular blood donor. I went to SCA events. I went to Rocky Horror. I never closed my mind to the idea that there was something to learn from new experiences.
I also didn't like myself very much. I didn't hold my friends to as high a standard as I would have if I had liked myself. I still got used from time to time, but there wasn't anything new in that. My basic vulnerability, gullibility and naivete have never really changed, just the level of abuse I have had to deal with.
I finally, two years ago, got into therapy with a very decent counselor, and, a few months after that, reopened a relationship with someone I used to care about a lot. These two people had a great influence over me learning to like myself, and learning to respect myself. And now, I feel ok about being naive and gullible, because I'm not as vulnerable. I'm not afraid to say, "Ow, that hurts." Because I have learned that what I don't want is what I don't want. No one else can judge what it feels like for me or be responsible for how I respond to it.
But I did try to take responsibility before I learned how to like myself. I have had moments where I was an absolute goddess, mistress of all I surveyed, powerful to get whatever I wanted. My mistake was in thinking that my only useful tool to do this was sex.
I have to say that most of the people in my life, considering how much they could have f***ed with me, were quite temperate. That may not be saying much. I don't know. This last year has been a time of serious re-evaluation of who and what I am and what sort of behavior and treatment I expect from those around me.
I still consider, however, that I can say, "Hey, even ~I~ think that's offensive," and it's mildly funny and probably even true. I don't tend to care what other people say or think. I think they have a right to it, and I think that saying weird stuff just to find out what it sounds like is mostly ok.
But I also think I'm cool, and that I will assert my level of censure on what goes on around me. And if they ignore me, well, then I don't have to be around.
I have lately been disturbed about my community. I am, among other things, old-school furry and a big sci-fi/fantasy fan.
And before I get into this, I will say that, although my sexuality pervaded every area of my life in some way or another, that's because it was my focus, and not because there was anything innately sexual about what I was involved in, or liked, or enjoyed.
The furry community has gotten a lot of sh*t lately because of the media's discovery that there are weirdos in it. Creative Loafing (Atlanta) published a cover story this week on accusations of child porn and child molestation against the founder of Dragon*Con, Ed Kramer. I do not know if sci-fi/comics/conventions will take a hit from that as well.
I have been urged to distance myself from these things, but I do not want to. I do not feel it is right. I didn't get involved in FurryMUCK or Dragon*Con because of sex, and I didn't stay because of sex, and I'm not leaving because of sex.
I have promised my body to Someone when they are free to take it. But this does not invalidate my experiences, my growth, my love of my friends, my involvement in my community. They don't have to be wrong in order for this to be right for me. And although there are things I regret about my past, I am glad I went through it, and grateful for those who have been kind to me. I am grateful to God, because I could have been hurt a lot worse, considering how completely unprotected I was at times.
I also have to take into account that I probably hurt some people as well. I didn't think much of my self-worth, so I tended to leave, assume I was in the way, make myself small. Maybe there are people who would have wanted to treat me better if I had been around for it. Maybe there are those who feel like I used them (sometimes I did) and left them hanging out to dry.
One person in particular, I believe may feel that way, and I believe our relationship may be permanently terminated because of it. This person is someone whom I believed to be good, full of Grace, and a blessing to those he cared about, and if I caused him to falter, or to think I was not worthy of his attention, I will bear the loss with my own share of guilt.
There are others, from whom I would like to hear, if they were willing to put forth the effort to be friends, but since I don't hear from them, I don't know, and I have to assume they do not want to put forth the effort. Others, I admit, I have ignored or shunned because I was ashamed. I apologize here, publicly, for leading them on, for putting forth the offer of something I could not truly give. Still others have proven themselves dangerous to me and I will avoid them.
I create my boundaries: I control myself. No one else. Nothing else except what I own. I must own what I do and feel because no one else can. I feel capable of loving and pledging my faithfulness. I feel capable of taking care of someone to the extent that it does not interfere with taking care of myself. I feel capable of having a healthy relationship with each individual person in my life, or refusing to have a relationship that I feel is damaging.
I am furry because I love anthropomorphism, unicorns, cats, cartoons, all the silly "childish" things. The ones you think are weird, I probably also think are weird, but I also have a peculiar understanding of the psychology from the inside, and if I feel compassion for the "weird ones" it's because I know that I'm just as weird to someone else, and I don't think there's anything wrong with me at all.
I am dark, gothic, in love with vampires, and Victorian stuff. I would dress in black lace and corsets all the time if I could. I don't feel as strongly about it since I stopped actually wanting to kill myself, but it is no fashion statement: it is an honored and revered part of myself, part of the background now instead of the foreground.
I am Celtic and pagan and SCAdian, mixed together. I love the old music, the old manners, the old ways. I love the earth and the seasons and the personification of the forces of nature. I love the feeling of being the connection between the beautiful world and the beautiful God that created it. I feel special (just like every other human) a shining spark, bound to earth by my body, but reaching for the heavens with my spirit.
I am a biology buff. If science "explains" something, that does not take away the wonder for me, but rather makes it the more amazing. How do electro-chemical reactions in the nerve cells result in me doing and thinking this right here? What is the "illusion of self-determination"? Wait, now I'm getting into metaphysics.
You cannot separate my metaphysics from my religious views from my view of science or my beliefs about psychology. I have melded them all together. I think arguing that something is one thing or the other and nothing else is sheer fallacy.
Although I have managed to keep my politics from getting into the mix too much. Libertarian, by the way, not much of a "patriot" but American and Southern in a way that a lot of "liberals" and "conservatives" do not get.
I stopped going to the Unitarian church nearest me when I got into a discussion about the religious Right and somehow got into the subject of the Second Amendment, and someone looked at me with dawning disgust and said, "You're libertarian!" as though now they no longer had to give countenance to anything I had to say.
Sometimes I feel Gypsy, sometimes I feel like a Hippie-chick, sometimes I feel like a Mystic.
Above all, I am a Nerd. I grew up too smart, my mother dressed me funny, I didn't really have friends. Having someone treat me with basic respect was a real rare thing. I think a lot of my mistakes in the people with whom I associated was based on the fact that I didn't have an awareness of a higher standard. In fifth grade, my "best friend" regularly threatened to beat me up, although she never actually did. So when people didn't actively express desires to hurt me, that was a good thing.
I knew I was weird because I had my nose in a book all the time. I was afraid I was messed up because I wanted to read ghost stories, mysteries, stories about magic and psychic powers all the time. If it was arcane, I was curious.
I found out I was a nerd when Someone gave me a fantasy novel, and then a sci-fi novel, and I loved them, and started devouring them, and saw the origins of this fanaticism in my earlier reading material.
I felt at home with a community for the first time when I went to Governor's Honors and the "math nerds" accepted me as one of their own, insisting on making sure I was initiated into the wonders of Monty Python and Douglas Adams.
I was ecstatic when I discovered there were science fiction/fantasy conventions where nerds like me gathered in droves.
Although there is a lot to be said about what was wrong with my sexual behavior, there was a sincere adoration for nerds, freaks and geeks, and a desire to show them that ~I~ thought they were worth something.
Maybe there is more about this, but right now, I am out of ramble....
12+ years ago, I lost my virginity. Yeah, you needed to know that, I know, I know....
I lost my virginity because it had no value to me anymore. There was no one to save it for, no reason to believe the fact of it had any redeeming quality. After all, I'd already made my parents ashamed of me, been used, listened to all my dearest friends tell me about losing their virginities.
For a while after that, I was a sexual adventurer. I slept with people because I thought they were cute, or I wondered if I could get them in bed (Yes, a very male idea for a teenage/20-something girl to carry around) or because I was curious. I tried a lot of different things. I did some things I wouldn't do again, ever. I did some things that I probably, in the same circumstances, would do the same way, but I wish I hadn't ever been in those circumstances.
I became a pagan. I went into therapy. I went to conventions. I took a chance or two on "True Love." I learned to be a reporter. I acted in community theater. I became a regular blood donor. I went to SCA events. I went to Rocky Horror. I never closed my mind to the idea that there was something to learn from new experiences.
I also didn't like myself very much. I didn't hold my friends to as high a standard as I would have if I had liked myself. I still got used from time to time, but there wasn't anything new in that. My basic vulnerability, gullibility and naivete have never really changed, just the level of abuse I have had to deal with.
I finally, two years ago, got into therapy with a very decent counselor, and, a few months after that, reopened a relationship with someone I used to care about a lot. These two people had a great influence over me learning to like myself, and learning to respect myself. And now, I feel ok about being naive and gullible, because I'm not as vulnerable. I'm not afraid to say, "Ow, that hurts." Because I have learned that what I don't want is what I don't want. No one else can judge what it feels like for me or be responsible for how I respond to it.
But I did try to take responsibility before I learned how to like myself. I have had moments where I was an absolute goddess, mistress of all I surveyed, powerful to get whatever I wanted. My mistake was in thinking that my only useful tool to do this was sex.
I have to say that most of the people in my life, considering how much they could have f***ed with me, were quite temperate. That may not be saying much. I don't know. This last year has been a time of serious re-evaluation of who and what I am and what sort of behavior and treatment I expect from those around me.
I still consider, however, that I can say, "Hey, even ~I~ think that's offensive," and it's mildly funny and probably even true. I don't tend to care what other people say or think. I think they have a right to it, and I think that saying weird stuff just to find out what it sounds like is mostly ok.
But I also think I'm cool, and that I will assert my level of censure on what goes on around me. And if they ignore me, well, then I don't have to be around.
I have lately been disturbed about my community. I am, among other things, old-school furry and a big sci-fi/fantasy fan.
And before I get into this, I will say that, although my sexuality pervaded every area of my life in some way or another, that's because it was my focus, and not because there was anything innately sexual about what I was involved in, or liked, or enjoyed.
The furry community has gotten a lot of sh*t lately because of the media's discovery that there are weirdos in it. Creative Loafing (Atlanta) published a cover story this week on accusations of child porn and child molestation against the founder of Dragon*Con, Ed Kramer. I do not know if sci-fi/comics/conventions will take a hit from that as well.
I have been urged to distance myself from these things, but I do not want to. I do not feel it is right. I didn't get involved in FurryMUCK or Dragon*Con because of sex, and I didn't stay because of sex, and I'm not leaving because of sex.
I have promised my body to Someone when they are free to take it. But this does not invalidate my experiences, my growth, my love of my friends, my involvement in my community. They don't have to be wrong in order for this to be right for me. And although there are things I regret about my past, I am glad I went through it, and grateful for those who have been kind to me. I am grateful to God, because I could have been hurt a lot worse, considering how completely unprotected I was at times.
I also have to take into account that I probably hurt some people as well. I didn't think much of my self-worth, so I tended to leave, assume I was in the way, make myself small. Maybe there are people who would have wanted to treat me better if I had been around for it. Maybe there are those who feel like I used them (sometimes I did) and left them hanging out to dry.
One person in particular, I believe may feel that way, and I believe our relationship may be permanently terminated because of it. This person is someone whom I believed to be good, full of Grace, and a blessing to those he cared about, and if I caused him to falter, or to think I was not worthy of his attention, I will bear the loss with my own share of guilt.
There are others, from whom I would like to hear, if they were willing to put forth the effort to be friends, but since I don't hear from them, I don't know, and I have to assume they do not want to put forth the effort. Others, I admit, I have ignored or shunned because I was ashamed. I apologize here, publicly, for leading them on, for putting forth the offer of something I could not truly give. Still others have proven themselves dangerous to me and I will avoid them.
I create my boundaries: I control myself. No one else. Nothing else except what I own. I must own what I do and feel because no one else can. I feel capable of loving and pledging my faithfulness. I feel capable of taking care of someone to the extent that it does not interfere with taking care of myself. I feel capable of having a healthy relationship with each individual person in my life, or refusing to have a relationship that I feel is damaging.
I am furry because I love anthropomorphism, unicorns, cats, cartoons, all the silly "childish" things. The ones you think are weird, I probably also think are weird, but I also have a peculiar understanding of the psychology from the inside, and if I feel compassion for the "weird ones" it's because I know that I'm just as weird to someone else, and I don't think there's anything wrong with me at all.
I am dark, gothic, in love with vampires, and Victorian stuff. I would dress in black lace and corsets all the time if I could. I don't feel as strongly about it since I stopped actually wanting to kill myself, but it is no fashion statement: it is an honored and revered part of myself, part of the background now instead of the foreground.
I am Celtic and pagan and SCAdian, mixed together. I love the old music, the old manners, the old ways. I love the earth and the seasons and the personification of the forces of nature. I love the feeling of being the connection between the beautiful world and the beautiful God that created it. I feel special (just like every other human) a shining spark, bound to earth by my body, but reaching for the heavens with my spirit.
I am a biology buff. If science "explains" something, that does not take away the wonder for me, but rather makes it the more amazing. How do electro-chemical reactions in the nerve cells result in me doing and thinking this right here? What is the "illusion of self-determination"? Wait, now I'm getting into metaphysics.
You cannot separate my metaphysics from my religious views from my view of science or my beliefs about psychology. I have melded them all together. I think arguing that something is one thing or the other and nothing else is sheer fallacy.
Although I have managed to keep my politics from getting into the mix too much. Libertarian, by the way, not much of a "patriot" but American and Southern in a way that a lot of "liberals" and "conservatives" do not get.
I stopped going to the Unitarian church nearest me when I got into a discussion about the religious Right and somehow got into the subject of the Second Amendment, and someone looked at me with dawning disgust and said, "You're libertarian!" as though now they no longer had to give countenance to anything I had to say.
Sometimes I feel Gypsy, sometimes I feel like a Hippie-chick, sometimes I feel like a Mystic.
Above all, I am a Nerd. I grew up too smart, my mother dressed me funny, I didn't really have friends. Having someone treat me with basic respect was a real rare thing. I think a lot of my mistakes in the people with whom I associated was based on the fact that I didn't have an awareness of a higher standard. In fifth grade, my "best friend" regularly threatened to beat me up, although she never actually did. So when people didn't actively express desires to hurt me, that was a good thing.
I knew I was weird because I had my nose in a book all the time. I was afraid I was messed up because I wanted to read ghost stories, mysteries, stories about magic and psychic powers all the time. If it was arcane, I was curious.
I found out I was a nerd when Someone gave me a fantasy novel, and then a sci-fi novel, and I loved them, and started devouring them, and saw the origins of this fanaticism in my earlier reading material.
I felt at home with a community for the first time when I went to Governor's Honors and the "math nerds" accepted me as one of their own, insisting on making sure I was initiated into the wonders of Monty Python and Douglas Adams.
I was ecstatic when I discovered there were science fiction/fantasy conventions where nerds like me gathered in droves.
Although there is a lot to be said about what was wrong with my sexual behavior, there was a sincere adoration for nerds, freaks and geeks, and a desire to show them that ~I~ thought they were worth something.
Maybe there is more about this, but right now, I am out of ramble....
(no subject)
A small sampling of the benefits of membership include:
-- The ability to receive compliments.
-- The ability to receive constructive criticism.
-- A tendency to simultaneously laugh and cry when looking back over your life.
Your membership application to the Boundless Confidence club is still pending. We'll get back to you.
Daedalus
*hug*
(no subject)
Date: 2002-02-02 11:15 pm (UTC)(curiosity killed the ....)