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The letter my ex-husband sent me
Today I know two things:
You are an embodiment of the Elemental Goddess Force. Whether this means you are merely closer to the center than most, or a more perfect conduit than others, or if it means you have Fey blood, I can't say. But I can say that to be in your presence is to be bathed in the waters of Yin; enfolded by the arms of faeries; whirl to the music of the spheres; inhale the heady musk of the Goddess' Yoni; buffeted by the darkness of Mystery; burned by the fire of the Other, the Divine. To expect mortal man to long endure such exposure is unreasonable. Only the most open-minded and -hearted, the most emotionally and spiritually nimble, can hope to ride the whirlwind for long. And for those that try, and have varying amounts of success, they must contend with a near constant exposure to a flame that burns away trite illusions, emotional layers, and protective walls of all kinds. To be your lover is to be forced to grow, on a near daily basis. This is disturbing and painful in the long term. In the short term, who wouldn't want to have the hearth the goddess curls up on? To gaze into the eyes of Bast and see a measure of love and favor reflected there? Not to mention the carnal delights and earthy passions of coupling with one of the Faeriefolk... and so many men are willing. It would take a small legion of men, serially or in parallel, to bring to one such as you some measure of peace and understanding, of acceptance. In that way, when one falters, you have a place to turn, shelters set by to go and lick your wounds from the daily melee of fear, misunderstanding and apprehension which close proximity to you can cause. And so a legion is what you have acquired. Some current, some (most unfortunately) cut off to you in your past. Even the best of us cannot endure. Daniel, by far the most emotionally and spiritually agile among us, had to eventually construct an island to which the sea and storm of you did not have access. It was profoundly sad that he was trying to construct a tiny bit of shelter for him and Marina right at the time you poured forth the full storm of your love and protectiveness on him. I have the sincerest hope that you can see that he did not mean this hurt to you, even though I understand you were hurt deeply by what his actions. This is a very important distinction which I hope you do (or can, or will) see. Mark is the wisest and smartest of us, and he deals with you very well when he is able to act from the secure center of learning and defined and codified morality. I suspect that when anger, mistrust, and harsh words get between you, it happens when he meets emotion with emotion, or when the curious whiskers of your Mystery come prowling into his (relatively) unprotected Self.
Also I know that you have no masks. The neat, organized bits of persona that almost everyone, in every culture, can put on and take off according to the perceived necessities of the social context are completely missing from your character. This is in a way enormously refreshing; there is no lying, no misrepresentation, no having to dig through words or false smiles to find the hidden meaning. To those that know you and attempt to understand and love you, one can follow any remark -- however casual or portentous -- to its source within your heart. But conversely, this makes much of what you say completely unintelligible, if not threatening or embarrassing, to most muggles you come in contact with. This is the source of nearly every incident of "social ineptness" or "naivete" with which all us have browbeaten you, or giggled at you for, in your life, and I most specifically include your parents. A parent's job in large part is to help their children construct the masks which they will need for smooth entry into, and transition through, the society of adulthood. For your mother and father, as well as for a disturbingly high portion of our culture, the mask is more important than the persona underneath. The persona is subverted for the masks of Social Grace, Politeness, Pillar of the Community, Good Mother, etc. It is perhaps understandable to see how their puzzlement might turn to fear for or sometimes anger towards the daughter who not only refused to construct her own masks, but expressed a complete lack of belief for their need or use. But masks are also frequently a form of armor. They are the buttress between casual cutting remarks or the painful emotional outbursts of others, and our true hearts and feelings. They can be a shock absorber for the otherwise unendurable assault from the pain and injustice of the world. And yet you have endured anyway. This, I believe, is the source of that frequent "protective instinct" which you inspire from most men around you. We recognize that your emotional state is both fragile and precious because of its unencumberedness. Unbearable lightness of being indeed. For you, the only protection I see is from the fantasy of venues such as Dragon*Con, and from the role assumption available through acting and Furry. Don't let these be taken away. You are right to see them as precious.
Some men, myself included, would probably die to protect you, and feel that it was a noble and worthy act to preserve such a wonder as you in the world. But what you require, unintentionally, is a fairly regular transcendental death. Transcendental death leads to higher understanding, deep wisdom, and elevated spirituality, of course. But who can pay this price time after time, and not at the time of their own choosing?
*** end of what I know, beginning of speculation ***
At times it seems highly unlikely for you to have such a powerful relationship with the Unbeliever. This type of comment, "There were a few people that had been using her, and had pretty much abandoned her, so severing those relationships seemed mostly irrelevant." is the sort of small minded arrogance that I would never believe you could stand to be around. At my worst (in the beginning) I did at times feel threatened and somewhat overwhelmed by the legion, and angry at the ones that didn't honor you in what I felt was the proper way. But never, ever, would I have been so incomprehensibly idiotic as to label them "mostly irrelevant." This is such an abnegation of you that it borders on the profane. And ironically, Roon had already said that before the Unbeliever even posted.
And yet... you are the wild magic, and he the white gold wielder. I believe in a very real sense that he was there at your making, and in no small way was an anchor through the roughest days of your early adulthood. I understand very well the preserving power of this type of "back burner love", as I've taken to calling it. In my case, I took the lid off the pot and stirred the soup around after only five years. You had nearly fifteen. Thomas Covenant spent most of his time in the Land denying the wild magic, even though he carried the source of it with him constantly. And in his case, he had only the people of the Land to disappoint and betray. In our world, the wild magic itself has a heart and feelings, and no armor to protect its vulnerability. Will the Unbeliever's doubt cost him his wife and child, the wild magic itself, and the respect of all those who have hope of it's preserving? Leprosy might begin to seem a small cost next to loss on a scale that staggering...
You are an embodiment of the Elemental Goddess Force. Whether this means you are merely closer to the center than most, or a more perfect conduit than others, or if it means you have Fey blood, I can't say. But I can say that to be in your presence is to be bathed in the waters of Yin; enfolded by the arms of faeries; whirl to the music of the spheres; inhale the heady musk of the Goddess' Yoni; buffeted by the darkness of Mystery; burned by the fire of the Other, the Divine. To expect mortal man to long endure such exposure is unreasonable. Only the most open-minded and -hearted, the most emotionally and spiritually nimble, can hope to ride the whirlwind for long. And for those that try, and have varying amounts of success, they must contend with a near constant exposure to a flame that burns away trite illusions, emotional layers, and protective walls of all kinds. To be your lover is to be forced to grow, on a near daily basis. This is disturbing and painful in the long term. In the short term, who wouldn't want to have the hearth the goddess curls up on? To gaze into the eyes of Bast and see a measure of love and favor reflected there? Not to mention the carnal delights and earthy passions of coupling with one of the Faeriefolk... and so many men are willing. It would take a small legion of men, serially or in parallel, to bring to one such as you some measure of peace and understanding, of acceptance. In that way, when one falters, you have a place to turn, shelters set by to go and lick your wounds from the daily melee of fear, misunderstanding and apprehension which close proximity to you can cause. And so a legion is what you have acquired. Some current, some (most unfortunately) cut off to you in your past. Even the best of us cannot endure. Daniel, by far the most emotionally and spiritually agile among us, had to eventually construct an island to which the sea and storm of you did not have access. It was profoundly sad that he was trying to construct a tiny bit of shelter for him and Marina right at the time you poured forth the full storm of your love and protectiveness on him. I have the sincerest hope that you can see that he did not mean this hurt to you, even though I understand you were hurt deeply by what his actions. This is a very important distinction which I hope you do (or can, or will) see. Mark is the wisest and smartest of us, and he deals with you very well when he is able to act from the secure center of learning and defined and codified morality. I suspect that when anger, mistrust, and harsh words get between you, it happens when he meets emotion with emotion, or when the curious whiskers of your Mystery come prowling into his (relatively) unprotected Self.
Also I know that you have no masks. The neat, organized bits of persona that almost everyone, in every culture, can put on and take off according to the perceived necessities of the social context are completely missing from your character. This is in a way enormously refreshing; there is no lying, no misrepresentation, no having to dig through words or false smiles to find the hidden meaning. To those that know you and attempt to understand and love you, one can follow any remark -- however casual or portentous -- to its source within your heart. But conversely, this makes much of what you say completely unintelligible, if not threatening or embarrassing, to most muggles you come in contact with. This is the source of nearly every incident of "social ineptness" or "naivete" with which all us have browbeaten you, or giggled at you for, in your life, and I most specifically include your parents. A parent's job in large part is to help their children construct the masks which they will need for smooth entry into, and transition through, the society of adulthood. For your mother and father, as well as for a disturbingly high portion of our culture, the mask is more important than the persona underneath. The persona is subverted for the masks of Social Grace, Politeness, Pillar of the Community, Good Mother, etc. It is perhaps understandable to see how their puzzlement might turn to fear for or sometimes anger towards the daughter who not only refused to construct her own masks, but expressed a complete lack of belief for their need or use. But masks are also frequently a form of armor. They are the buttress between casual cutting remarks or the painful emotional outbursts of others, and our true hearts and feelings. They can be a shock absorber for the otherwise unendurable assault from the pain and injustice of the world. And yet you have endured anyway. This, I believe, is the source of that frequent "protective instinct" which you inspire from most men around you. We recognize that your emotional state is both fragile and precious because of its unencumberedness. Unbearable lightness of being indeed. For you, the only protection I see is from the fantasy of venues such as Dragon*Con, and from the role assumption available through acting and Furry. Don't let these be taken away. You are right to see them as precious.
Some men, myself included, would probably die to protect you, and feel that it was a noble and worthy act to preserve such a wonder as you in the world. But what you require, unintentionally, is a fairly regular transcendental death. Transcendental death leads to higher understanding, deep wisdom, and elevated spirituality, of course. But who can pay this price time after time, and not at the time of their own choosing?
*** end of what I know, beginning of speculation ***
At times it seems highly unlikely for you to have such a powerful relationship with the Unbeliever. This type of comment, "There were a few people that had been using her, and had pretty much abandoned her, so severing those relationships seemed mostly irrelevant." is the sort of small minded arrogance that I would never believe you could stand to be around. At my worst (in the beginning) I did at times feel threatened and somewhat overwhelmed by the legion, and angry at the ones that didn't honor you in what I felt was the proper way. But never, ever, would I have been so incomprehensibly idiotic as to label them "mostly irrelevant." This is such an abnegation of you that it borders on the profane. And ironically, Roon had already said that before the Unbeliever even posted.
And yet... you are the wild magic, and he the white gold wielder. I believe in a very real sense that he was there at your making, and in no small way was an anchor through the roughest days of your early adulthood. I understand very well the preserving power of this type of "back burner love", as I've taken to calling it. In my case, I took the lid off the pot and stirred the soup around after only five years. You had nearly fifteen. Thomas Covenant spent most of his time in the Land denying the wild magic, even though he carried the source of it with him constantly. And in his case, he had only the people of the Land to disappoint and betray. In our world, the wild magic itself has a heart and feelings, and no armor to protect its vulnerability. Will the Unbeliever's doubt cost him his wife and child, the wild magic itself, and the respect of all those who have hope of it's preserving? Leprosy might begin to seem a small cost next to loss on a scale that staggering...
no subject
Please tell the readers that I am not taking Dragon*Con away from you! I am encouraging you to work security, even!
And furry as well. I am encouraging you to continue so that you may be happy and so that I may learn from you and not the media! There are concessions that have to do with online sex and the characters involved that we are discussing. However, there is no talk whatsoever about Kat NOT going to furryMUCK!
My comment about irrewlevant was referring to the severing, not to people. I will use other words: "Kat herself has put an end to relationships that were harmful to her. Of this I am proud, though it comes from her and not from me. Therefore there are none left for which I could discuss with her. It would be irrelevant for me to ask her to stop seeing someone she has stopped seeing."
Some of you may not like that I would even think to ask her to stop seeing anyone. I see that. I am the sort of person that would take care of Kat. While this is sweet and good-intentioned, it does not provide the proper freedom she deserves as a self-realized adult to make her own decisions. I have been learning, and I have backed way off.
She is a vision of strength and beauty, folks. Just watch her and try to keep your chins from dragging the ground. And yet tell me that none of you have never felt the urge to protect her! Guilty as charged, but not out of a malicious need to change her or abuse her. I wanted only to protect her. (She does not need me to do that, I get it already, sheesh.)
Kat is beautiful and powerful. She dances between the spheres. She is clothed in radiance, making both the night and day brighter in her presence, and darker in her absence. Her words are music, and her very breath is life, healing. I aodre her. I am impatient with those who appear not to adore her, or love her even as I do.
Even Wes, that he would not do all in his power to make her happy when she was his wife, confuses me. I have no right to judge, so I will back off that statement and apologize. I was not there. I know only what she has told me. I am sorry.
I love you, Kat.
- Stan
no subject
So did I.
And that was the last of the things in my power that I could do to try and preserve her happiness...
I wasn't the One. Painful, but true. Also, I learned if you try to keep a goddess in your closet for very long, either she'll stop being a goddess, or pretty soon you have a ton of people in your closet. I believe you are conversant with what I mean...
Daedalus
no subject
You darling, silly boys....
You don't love yourselves as well as I love you, most of the time.... I have tried to tell you about it... and I've suffered through a lot of self doubt because I didn't want to be arrogant....
But I know I love.
And I know that I can love freely and openly and it does not have to make me vulnerable anymore. And I like that.
And I will give you a hint about taking care of someone:
God our Parent loves us more than Anyone, and yet allows us to run right out into the world where we will surely Skin our Spiritual Knees, and occasionally, even get Real Bad Hurt. So, that must be the very best thing for us, because we know God Loves Us. It must be something more important than the Crap we find going on down here in the world.
This is very Pollyanna, I know, but it is the basis of my entire religious/spiritual path. There has to be something ultimately Good and right about the World and what it's doing or why go through this shit, eh?
So, if God put us down here and lets us make our own decisions, how can we say what is right to do for someone else when we are only Human?
There is joy here. There is peace here. We are meant to seek it. "Seek ye first the kingdom of Heaven," Mr. Williams.
no subject
Daedalus