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I thought. I tried. I thought I tried. I seem to be losing something important to me over what seemed a simple misunderstanding. I didn't think that, I made a mistake, I tried to fix it, but I'm not being allowed to. My apologies and explanations fall on deaf ears, and I don't know why.
I think there must be something wrong with me, but I don't know what it is, this time. I know what I do wrong, but I don't know why the results are the same. I don't know how to choose, or what.
And I don't like alone. I don't mean without a boyfriend. I mean, without friends, support. I don't understand the idea of deciding whether or not to include x relationship in one's life. People have relationships. You can decide the nature of them, you can decide the depth of them. But once they're there, you decide what and how, but not whether... do you?
I grew up in a family. I expected to have a family of my own one day. I have never thought of life as being alone. I understand some people are happy that way. I don't understand how they do that, but it's never bothered me.
What bothers me is that just a few weeks without significant people in my life, places to go for a hug... to feel safe ... something I'm not sure of what it is exactly ... I'm cranky, angry, something is off, something is wrong.
High school may actually turn out to have been the best time for me. I had a lot of friends and acquaintances, although no romantic relationships for any length of time. Like all teens, I wanted to fall in love, and frequently thought I was. But overall, I was happy, as happy as someone like me could be. I had goals, I was busy, and I had people around me. I used to high-five or shout at or hug 10-12 friends at every class change. I exchanged notes with at least one friend at least once a day. I journaled almost constantly (It was my way of not being bored with school).
At night, when I was alone, and couldn't sleep, like now, that's when I would cry. That's when the fear and loneliness would overwhelm me.
The times when I was happiest since then, I've been surrounded by people. N9-ers, lovers, friends, and I strove to stay 'connected' to them, and even with dozens of people in my life, I hated to let a friend, or a potential friend, fall by the wayside.
Now, I feel mistrustful of everything, of the things that others have told me would be healthier for me, of the way they told me I shouldn't base my life around other people. I'm never sure what they're talking about. What's a life? It's a feeling of purpose, isn't it? It's a way to be ok with yourself, to define yourself, or at least your path, what kind of person you are, what sort of things you think you ought to be doing.... I've always wanted to serve others.
But I seem to be in desperate need not to be a martyr, to be cherished and appreciated and wanted by the people around me. I wish I knew how to say what I'm saying. I don't have anyone that I can't get along without, except everyone. I need to love you, I need to shine for you, I need to watch you shine, I need to appreciate you.
Maybe I'm stunted, somehow.
I think there must be something wrong with me, but I don't know what it is, this time. I know what I do wrong, but I don't know why the results are the same. I don't know how to choose, or what.
And I don't like alone. I don't mean without a boyfriend. I mean, without friends, support. I don't understand the idea of deciding whether or not to include x relationship in one's life. People have relationships. You can decide the nature of them, you can decide the depth of them. But once they're there, you decide what and how, but not whether... do you?
I grew up in a family. I expected to have a family of my own one day. I have never thought of life as being alone. I understand some people are happy that way. I don't understand how they do that, but it's never bothered me.
What bothers me is that just a few weeks without significant people in my life, places to go for a hug... to feel safe ... something I'm not sure of what it is exactly ... I'm cranky, angry, something is off, something is wrong.
High school may actually turn out to have been the best time for me. I had a lot of friends and acquaintances, although no romantic relationships for any length of time. Like all teens, I wanted to fall in love, and frequently thought I was. But overall, I was happy, as happy as someone like me could be. I had goals, I was busy, and I had people around me. I used to high-five or shout at or hug 10-12 friends at every class change. I exchanged notes with at least one friend at least once a day. I journaled almost constantly (It was my way of not being bored with school).
At night, when I was alone, and couldn't sleep, like now, that's when I would cry. That's when the fear and loneliness would overwhelm me.
The times when I was happiest since then, I've been surrounded by people. N9-ers, lovers, friends, and I strove to stay 'connected' to them, and even with dozens of people in my life, I hated to let a friend, or a potential friend, fall by the wayside.
Now, I feel mistrustful of everything, of the things that others have told me would be healthier for me, of the way they told me I shouldn't base my life around other people. I'm never sure what they're talking about. What's a life? It's a feeling of purpose, isn't it? It's a way to be ok with yourself, to define yourself, or at least your path, what kind of person you are, what sort of things you think you ought to be doing.... I've always wanted to serve others.
But I seem to be in desperate need not to be a martyr, to be cherished and appreciated and wanted by the people around me. I wish I knew how to say what I'm saying. I don't have anyone that I can't get along without, except everyone. I need to love you, I need to shine for you, I need to watch you shine, I need to appreciate you.
Maybe I'm stunted, somehow.
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(no subject)
Date: 2002-09-08 09:33 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2002-09-08 10:35 am (UTC)The other reason is that I try to be selective about who I let into my life. I want to know that they'll be worth the effort, and maybe I manufacture an environment where the effort is required. Whether that effort is the Chinese puzzle of my apartment, or flying across the continent, or just remembering a birthday and allergies and bra sizes and so forth.
I don't expect you to trust me, or to believe me any farther than you can throw me. And I know I'm not an asshole--I wouldn't change that for definite-maybe, much less for hell-no. We may well fade into each other's histories when you go... that's not a choice I can make unilaterally. It wouldn't be one I would fight, because nobody wins those fights. But if you need me or want me around, I probably won't hide too well. I'll be alone, dancing you know it baby.
And I still say you look so innocent when you're asleep. :)
(no subject)
Date: 2002-09-09 04:34 am (UTC)On the one hand, it could be sound advice. You have to have a center, an internal sense of yourself that keeps you in balance and doesn't refer to anything external. I have one of those. It was hard won.
On the other hand, it could just mean "I'm a self-absorbed bastard and want you to think there's something wrong with you instead." Human beings are social creatures, period, end of story. We are not geared to function without other humans. Connections with others are important for survival and sanity, but our whole culture conspires to warp and control those connections. Some people have a higher tolerance for being stripped of genuine connection than others; but it's healthy for one at all.