Wondering about people and my attitude

[scyllacat]

I remember being angry at this one friend, and every time I would read her journal or see anything about her, I would wonder how she could go to work or write about someone being nice to her ... or just have an ordinary life. I realized she wasn't about my being mad at her, but everything I saw of her was colored by this FIRST thing, that I was mad at her.

Then something happened where I saw her point of view and I was able to read her stuff and talk to her again. Because that big thing wasn't in front there.

Well, there's someone who particularly did something to/about ME and now I feel the same way again. When people talk about her being nice, or she talks about what she wants in her life, I wonder how she can go on blithely, and people around her can go on liking her. I feel like the victim of a crime, except, there's no attempt to make amends or rebuild, there's going on, disregarding me as someone who was messing up her life and didn't need to be there... but also disrespecting me as someone who doesn't need closure, as someone whose feelings and needs are unimportant. Like if you hit an attacking dog to make it go away. When the dog goes away, you don't apologize to the dog for hitting it, you're just relieved it's gone.

It's why I fit so well into scapegoat. She projected threat onto me, ran me out of her life, and I am not a person to her, I am a thing that threatened to mess up her life, thank god it's gone, now she can get on with being nice and effective and adored. I know she's still a control freak and manipulative and dishonest, but she seems to have come to an agreement with everyone else in her life not to talk about it.

So, I feel sorry for myself, and lick my wounds. What a pathetic loser.

Comments

[ytaya.livejournal.com]

Not so pathetic - you've come out the other side with a clear understanding of the situation. Not such a loser - if you were, how could you ever be a valid threat?

Don't ask for closure. Take it, in whatever form you can. It's yours to find, not hers to grant.

Come out of this with as clear an awareness of your own faults as hers and you come out on top.

It's also worth noting that just because someone is serenity and flowers on the outside, doesn't mean they're not angry and hurt and threatened. It just means they're making an effort not to show it. Most people prefer not to show their vulnerabilities. Whether that's for the good or bad is a whole other discussion.

[scyllacat.livejournal.com]

Well, I'm not as sure about my faults. I'm sure once this is over I will see them quite clearly. I think I may be needy. I think I may want to go home and not finding it, want to rest with those who offer me comfort, but they're not ready to make a commitment to what I need.

Then again, I don't let people in and don't and then all at once I do....

I just want things to be better, I still hate to lose friends... I want her to say she cares; I wish there was enough of a commitment to the friendship that she could do something besides fend me off as though I were rabid. Ok, maybe I'm exaggerating, but I'm of the opinion, when you care about people, even if they offend you, you give them the benefit of the doubt, because you go to lengths to believe they meant it when they said they wanted to be your friend. It's kind of what the commitment of a friendship means to me. I'm being naive or clueless or something now.

Thanks for support. *hugs*

[ashlupa.livejournal.com]

As opposed to what?

Tangling with her again and getting sucked back into the dysfunctionality?

You see what's going on and you're out of it--about the only resolution to it. Hey, I had to do this last year.

[scyllacat.livejournal.com]

*sigh* I just hate losing.

Re:

[ashlupa.livejournal.com]

It's not "losing."

It's called a bad situation that you're better out of; it's not worth lowering yourself to that level.

Besides, around here it may just be considered a mark of common sense.