Sunday

It's Sunday, and I wake up early, wanting there to be email, wanting there to be something to do (there is, lots, but mostly work) and I think maybe I'll go to asbrand's house early for the barbecue. I missed Rocky because I was just too tired to make it. I don't know why my cat is crying at me. And I think I must feed him.

I'm pretty sure I've completely ruined something useful.

My Palm Pilot doesn't seem to be working anymore, at all.

Wondering about people and my attitude

I remember being angry at this one friend, and every time I would read her journal or see anything about her, I would wonder how she could go to work or write about someone being nice to her ... or just have an ordinary life. I realized she wasn't about my being mad at her, but everything I saw of her was colored by this FIRST thing, that I was mad at her.

Then something happened where I saw her point of view and I was able to read her stuff and talk to her again. Because that big thing wasn't in front there.

Well, there's someone who particularly did something to/about ME and now I feel the same way again. When people talk about her being nice, or she talks about what she wants in her life, I wonder how she can go on blithely, and people around her can go on liking her. I feel like the victim of a crime, except, there's no attempt to make amends or rebuild, there's going on, disregarding me as someone who was messing up her life and didn't need to be there... but also disrespecting me as someone who doesn't need closure, as someone whose feelings and needs are unimportant. Like if you hit an attacking dog to make it go away. When the dog goes away, you don't apologize to the dog for hitting it, you're just relieved it's gone.

It's why I fit so well into scapegoat. She projected threat onto me, ran me out of her life, and I am not a person to her, I am a thing that threatened to mess up her life, thank god it's gone, now she can get on with being nice and effective and adored. I know she's still a control freak and manipulative and dishonest, but she seems to have come to an agreement with everyone else in her life not to talk about it.

So, I feel sorry for myself, and lick my wounds. What a pathetic loser.