The turn in the road...

[scyllacat]

By The Time I Get To Phoenix

Written by: Jimmy Webb
Originally made famous by: Glen Campbell
From the Album: Complete Reprise Studio Recordings
Label: Reprise Records
Recorded: November 12, 1968
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By the time I get to Phoenix she'll be rising.
She'll find the note I left hanging on her door.
She'll laugh when she reads the part that says I'm leaving
`Cause I've left that girl so many times before.
By the time I make Albuquerque she'll be working.
She'll probably stop for lunch and give me a call.
But she'll just hear the phone keep on ringing, on the wall, that's all.
By the time I reach Oklahoma she'll be sleeping.
She'll turn softly and call my name out low.
And she'll cry just to think I'd really leave her,
Though time and time again I tried to tell her so.
She just didn't know I would really go.

I knew that song by heart when I was a small girl.

The point here, folks, is, he knew he was leaving, somewhere. Somewhere in his heart it was happening. I could see the turn in the road coming, I could see that he was on the verge of changing. I was just surprised to be left behind. And I wonder why I was. And he says he didn't mean it, and I believe he thinks that. I don't want him to be hurt, any more than I want to be hurt. But I have to find a resolution, a truce with myself, not to hate myself for being left behind on a wonderful journey that I wanted to be a part of as much as anything in my life. I can accept that it's not my path, eventually, but I could think of easier ways for it to go.

I'm sorry for needing help, and for trying to explain, and for thrashing it out here, but sometimes, it just echoes in my head, and I can't get it out until I put it out. I have to stop the dreams. I'm sorry if that means I'm broken. I'm sorry if I don't move on fast enough, if my efforts hurt, if I'm not good enough to pass the tests yet, but somehow, I have to find out. Sometimes, I can't bear things alone anymore, I think I'll go crazy if I don't say something.

My friends always tell me the truth, even when they think I'm full of shit. But sometimes, only those who are still somewhat stranger are going to be objective at all. I'm just trying to keep an eye on reality, in case it makes any funny moves.

Comments

[kibbles.livejournal.com]

This is the place you are SUPPOSED to do such things.

IT is, after all, LiveJOURNAL, not liveFORUM or anything.

[polychromatic22.livejournal.com]

I'm not objective, I suppose, but I do think this thought bears thinking:

Unless the systems are vastly different...

As I understand it, a first degree is priest/priestess to themselves.
They have gained awareness of their own lives. They have, or should have, a mastery and true understanding of themselves.

A second degree is priest/priestess of their coven.
They have an awareness of the lives around them. Interconnectedness of relationships and responsibility for surroundings are acknowledged.

A third degree is priest/priestess of the world.
No matter how far one goes, how long ones seeks, how much one knows, at this point one should be aware that although knowledge is always complete it is incomplete also. Perfect and complete responsibility rests on their shoulders. Mistakes are understood to be purposeful steps in the dance, but no mistake should go unexamined. Full culpability for *ALL* their actions lies with them, as it lies with each and every individual, but knowledge does make the difference. A third degree should expect very instant karma. They are on the path, they are in the path, the path is in them, they are the path.



I hesitate to say that one can draw whatever conclusions they would like to from that. But it was something that I thought bared mentioning.

[dreadalus.livejournal.com]

Very well said, and timely. What bothers me most about this whole thing (apart from some asshole hurting the Kitty), is this bit: They have gained awareness of their own lives. Doesn't sound like he got to the jelly filling on that one, even.

When the girl you just dicked over has to explain your motivations to you, I'm less inclined to think much of the Path. It's a larger part of the reasons that I fled this organized religion just like the rest...

Hmmmm... thoughts

[skylarblue.livejournal.com]

"I'm sorry if I don't move on fast enough"

You can't be expected to move on "fast." These things take time, and everyone's sense of time is different. I have an ex that... I'll never truly move on so to speak, in the sense of "getting over him," but I am able to move forward with the memory of what he was to me.

The thing is, moving on, or getting over someone implies (at least to me) that you've brought yourself to a point where you are no longer affected by that persons actions. When the truth is, if you've ever truly cared for anyone, even if the relationship is over, somewhere, they still affect you in some small (or big) way.

I guess my point is: if friends are putting a timetable on this- your dealing with what has happened, they should politely be told to back off and let you deal with it in your own way. It can take months before sense starts to come of the events that have taken place. Karma is like that... she rarely offers explanations that are readily seen.

As for your being left behind on a wonderful journey that you wanted to be a part of, I can offer no advice or a shallow "it's not you fault." Those are comfort words that seem trite, or at the very least, somewhat false, especially when you feel that it is something you did. I don't know what else to say except that, at the end of this road, may you find the destination that you've been seeking all along.

[gaeirin.livejournal.com]

Why apologize for what you need to do? Everryone's healing process is different and they have different needs. Personally, I'm glad I'm able to say something to maybe help you along. I wish you were not in so much pain. Call if you need to talk.

[simplysakka.livejournal.com]

I am here for you, always, if you need an ear, or just someone to hold you while you cry. I truly *know* the pain of losing someone dear to you. Boy, do I ever. And I am here for you... I assure you. Maybe I should reach out to you. And if it feels right, I will. But in the meantime, if you need to reach out to me, do it. I am grounded right now, I can carry us both, at least for a little while.