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Well, I knew this, but thought I'd show the world:
( i'm bright, duh )
( i'm bright, duh )
Feb. 9th, 2002
I broke up with him. I told him I couldn't stand it anymore. I have lost my objectivity.
Maybe he's right, maybe it's all my fault. Maybe I'm afraid of commitment. Maybe I always run when I get too close to fulfillment.
Why should I do it if it just means going to the same place I've been before? Why did I give all that up for the same thing I could get from my ex-husband? Maybe I should keep my mouth shut for a while.
Maybe I should have shut up a long time ago.
Maybe he's right, maybe it's all my fault. Maybe I'm afraid of commitment. Maybe I always run when I get too close to fulfillment.
Why should I do it if it just means going to the same place I've been before? Why did I give all that up for the same thing I could get from my ex-husband? Maybe I should keep my mouth shut for a while.
Maybe I should have shut up a long time ago.
In the beginning, I loved Him and it was good ...
--wait, who the fuck am I kidding?
In the beginning, I loved Him, and it sucked. I wanted him, he wanted to tease me. I loved him, he loved having me love him.
And I've just been his security blanket safety net last chance effort for all the Love that the World owes us... same as he was mine.
And if I can't have Real Love that I Believe In like I Believed in You....
... then I'm not going to put us both through the Hell of resenting each other for not being It.
You needed me to worship you, and I was glad to do so. But something happened. I got hurt. And I got back up, and I got hurt, and I got back up and I got HURT and I cried and I cried...
I didn't want to get hurt. I didn't want to have a reason to bust your pedestal. I didn't want to be afraid of you. I didn't want to watch the recovery time from our fights get longer and longer until I could no longer even believe you when you said you loved me.
I'd love to have it back, that feeling of perfection....
"Can you Take it All Away? The Pain you gave to me?"
"The space between..."
suddenly yawns wide.
It's too far to jump. It's too much to risk without some recovery time. It's not that I wouldn't fall. It's that I might not recover this time. I don't want your hand to slip, Unbeliever.
Lena went mad, and so did Elena. I have to go.
--wait, who the fuck am I kidding?
In the beginning, I loved Him, and it sucked. I wanted him, he wanted to tease me. I loved him, he loved having me love him.
And I've just been his security blanket safety net last chance effort for all the Love that the World owes us... same as he was mine.
And if I can't have Real Love that I Believe In like I Believed in You....
... then I'm not going to put us both through the Hell of resenting each other for not being It.
You needed me to worship you, and I was glad to do so. But something happened. I got hurt. And I got back up, and I got hurt, and I got back up and I got HURT and I cried and I cried...
I didn't want to get hurt. I didn't want to have a reason to bust your pedestal. I didn't want to be afraid of you. I didn't want to watch the recovery time from our fights get longer and longer until I could no longer even believe you when you said you loved me.
I'd love to have it back, that feeling of perfection....
"Can you Take it All Away? The Pain you gave to me?"
"The space between..."
suddenly yawns wide.
It's too far to jump. It's too much to risk without some recovery time. It's not that I wouldn't fall. It's that I might not recover this time. I don't want your hand to slip, Unbeliever.
Lena went mad, and so did Elena. I have to go.
This is a letter he wrote to me:
Read Kibbles post entitled "People are Stupid" if you have not yet done so.
I want you to tell me about your furry experience in relation to hers. Is it like that for you? Or do you like all the nuzzlings?
I think I like this Kibbles.
love you too!
Stan
This is what I read:
Take my instruction and show that you are obedient.
Expose yourself to me, make yourself emotionally vulnerable, so that I may choose whether I will condemn your morality today. Show me the fear that I will turn on you and appreciate my mercy when I do not.
Here, I will give you a hint what I want: You are going to be quizzed on your sexuality/sensuality.
The kind of person I like doesn't appreciate being pawed over. Choose carefully whether you will be yourself or whether you will try to tell me what I want to hear. And you won't find out, until halfway through the game whether I was testing your honesty or your faithfulness, and whether you're going to be punished or praised.
But don't let this risk bother you. Everything is okay. After all, I love you.
The Only Man for You
Tell me he doesn't mean it. Tell me I am paranoid. Tell me I am fucked in the head. Could YOU volunteer to sign up for that, even if the flaw was within YOU? EsPECially if the flaw was in you, knowing that all resultant suffering would be YOUR fault?
Somebody let me out of this small, dark, goddamnedmotherfucking ROOM!
Read Kibbles post entitled "People are Stupid" if you have not yet done so.
I want you to tell me about your furry experience in relation to hers. Is it like that for you? Or do you like all the nuzzlings?
I think I like this Kibbles.
love you too!
Stan
This is what I read:
Take my instruction and show that you are obedient.
Expose yourself to me, make yourself emotionally vulnerable, so that I may choose whether I will condemn your morality today. Show me the fear that I will turn on you and appreciate my mercy when I do not.
Here, I will give you a hint what I want: You are going to be quizzed on your sexuality/sensuality.
The kind of person I like doesn't appreciate being pawed over. Choose carefully whether you will be yourself or whether you will try to tell me what I want to hear. And you won't find out, until halfway through the game whether I was testing your honesty or your faithfulness, and whether you're going to be punished or praised.
But don't let this risk bother you. Everything is okay. After all, I love you.
The Only Man for You
Tell me he doesn't mean it. Tell me I am paranoid. Tell me I am fucked in the head. Could YOU volunteer to sign up for that, even if the flaw was within YOU? EsPECially if the flaw was in you, knowing that all resultant suffering would be YOUR fault?
Somebody let me out of this small, dark, goddamnedmotherfucking ROOM!
You advertise yourself with your obsession with sexual purity;
the only thing a woman is fit to withhold from you.
a woman's worth is based on her sexual purity because it is the only thing the man will accept as being something SHE should control rather than him.
If respecting my desire (if I desire it at all) that you not fuck me is all that is required, if it is the only necessary way of showing you care, then any other invasion is somehow less than wrong. There is nothing I should want to hide from you, especially if I have already given you my pussy.
Flip the coin: You never hit.
You won't physically abuse or hit women. You abhor men who do it.
But you don't even believe in other kinds of abuse, emotional, mental, if it means you might have to accept that you were responsible for hurting someone.
If not hitting me is how you know you don't abuse me, what right do I have to say anything else you do is painful?
This continuous distraction from what you DO to what you DON'T do to somehow justify yourself is one of the things that got on my nerves really fucking bad.
the only thing a woman is fit to withhold from you.
a woman's worth is based on her sexual purity because it is the only thing the man will accept as being something SHE should control rather than him.
If respecting my desire (if I desire it at all) that you not fuck me is all that is required, if it is the only necessary way of showing you care, then any other invasion is somehow less than wrong. There is nothing I should want to hide from you, especially if I have already given you my pussy.
Flip the coin: You never hit.
You won't physically abuse or hit women. You abhor men who do it.
But you don't even believe in other kinds of abuse, emotional, mental, if it means you might have to accept that you were responsible for hurting someone.
If not hitting me is how you know you don't abuse me, what right do I have to say anything else you do is painful?
This continuous distraction from what you DO to what you DON'T do to somehow justify yourself is one of the things that got on my nerves really fucking bad.
He took away all of his livejournal posts. I wondered if I ought to feel like throwing away his letters, my diaries...
I can't do it.
I can't do it.
