![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
I loved them. I don't want them out of my life. I don't care if they never show up, I don't care if they never come back, they meant something to me, they are part of the chapters of my life, they are part of my story. They are Real.
Jonathan and Catherine Kellum: You are far away, maybe you used me, maybe you don't care. Maybe I couldn't even like you if I knew you now. But when I met you, I believed, for a minute, in magic, and the faith in it has moved me onward through the years.
Don Burks: You were a jerk, but you were only a kid. Maybe you were too young for me, but because of you, I got to go to high school prom with someone I wanted. I got to grow through some things that I never got a chance to do when I was actually -in- high school. So, thanks for a thoroughly adolescent experience.
Thor Gould: I wish you had gotten in touch with me through the years. I hope you are doing well. But this isn't about why we aren't in touch (it's been so long, maybe I'm the one who forgot to write, forgot to call...), it's about the fact that, although we did some awful things to each other, I grew immensely because of it. It still hurts to think about, and I don't know what the final results will be of our relationship, in MY life. But I love you with a godly love, a hope that you will grow and learn, have faith, be blessed, be loved... and that you will deserve it, because you will be strong and honorable. I appreciate your struggle. You taught me a lot about compassion.
Daniel Utecht: I don't know where you are, I don't care to know. What you did really hurt me. As much as the thing itself, the fact that there was no apology, that you weren't there when I called, that the promises that you would be my friend forever seemed to disappear -- perhaps into -her-. But I loved you, when I knew you. You were precious to me. I don't care if you don't have anything to do with me. Maybe I wasn't any good for you. But I am really hurt at the thought of someone as wonderful as you doing harm, becoming less than you should be. I hope you have peace. I hope you have satisfaction. I hope one day you will stop settling for second best.
Mark Tippetts: After all the stuff we pulled with each other, after all the bullshit we went through, I have learned what a true friend you are. You have been hard to handle at times, and maybe it was only breaking up that would allow us to finally start treating each other with respect. The last three months (and more, but particularly the last three), you have stood up for me when I was hurt, been there when I needed you, put up with my bullshit when it was hurting you. I am sorry that I have put you through this shit, but I thank you.... I know there were other people who loved and supported me, but you were the one I knew I could count on when I absolutely had to fall apart. Maybe it would be different if you didn't live in the same building, but that doesn't make the support less valuable.
Wes Krieske: Well, you were my husband for three years. I feel like I still don't know why that happened. Maybe when I die, the time will you will stand out as the most stable and peaceful time of my life. Which may be why I don't know its value. But I know you believed in me, and in many ways still do, and maybe it just wasn't that kind of love, but the love that it was helped me grow stronger.
Tor Amundson: Maybe you are just good because you are so immovable, a mountain of a man, calm and unthreatened by the world; maybe the stuff that was me was just an adventure, a game; maybe I was a little bird, plucking at the moss growing in a crevice, barely noticeable by your standards. And maybe I shouldn't have fallen in love with you. Maybe I translated your stability and unshakable calm as something I loved because I needed it. But I don't believe that. Maybe it wasn't True Love, but we loved each other, and you made our imaginary world real. I love FM, but without you, it is just a really complicated chat room.
And finally....
Stan Williams: You are probably the only person on this list who will actually read this. And I don't know what to say to you. I counted on your acceptance. I wanted your approval. It's probably not the way to build romantic love. Maybe I will go away and grow. Maybe in another couple of decades, things will be different. Maybe without you, the rest of it doesn't mean a thing. It's all too fresh to know.
And maybe telling you to go the fuck away was the only way to get you to back off far enough that I could see what I am without you.
You tell me you didn't mean to, but you pulled me, tried to absorb me. You told me that we would believe and think and feel the same, that boundaries would disappear. I don't want that. I loved us different. I loved bringing you where I was, going where you were.
The things you are thinking are the problem? Well, they're not. They're symbols of my struggles to be free, to be myself, to be strong and belong to me without counting on someone else to mold my world and tell me how to be ok.
I am ok, with who I am, by myself. I feel guilt and shame because of some things, but I do not feel ashamed for loving, or trying to. I do not feel ashamed for trying to take the chance to make a beautiful life.
Finally, for you, Stan, I have to say, It's not about the sex. Yes, these are all people I have had sex with. And maybe sex was the right thing, maybe it was the wrong thing. If what you believe about God is right, which one of these was the "right" one, and all the others should have been gone? I think I know, but even so, these relationships, these people, shaped who I am, and would have done so if we'd only been friends. Yes, there are others. prominently Jerome Weaver and Lance Dwyer, Janel Adair Tenery, Laura Lagow, DeAnna Ferguson, and of course my mother, father, sister, aunts, cousins, grandparents...
And maybe you understand all this, and I just made the people, the names, the external symbols of my internal life too big. Maybe I'm too shallow, that I cannot let go of the ideas of things and people that stand for what I am and what I want in my life.
And maybe the point is, this is my family. This is what my world is shaped like. The good, the bad, the present, the past, the hope of the future, the forgotten, and the gee-i-never-want-to-go-THERE-again.
This is the Real "list." These are the people that I would tell anyone, if you want to know me, you need to know about ~this~. And these are the people that you don't ~get~ to know about until I let down my guard enough to let you really know me.
Jonathan and Catherine Kellum: You are far away, maybe you used me, maybe you don't care. Maybe I couldn't even like you if I knew you now. But when I met you, I believed, for a minute, in magic, and the faith in it has moved me onward through the years.
Don Burks: You were a jerk, but you were only a kid. Maybe you were too young for me, but because of you, I got to go to high school prom with someone I wanted. I got to grow through some things that I never got a chance to do when I was actually -in- high school. So, thanks for a thoroughly adolescent experience.
Thor Gould: I wish you had gotten in touch with me through the years. I hope you are doing well. But this isn't about why we aren't in touch (it's been so long, maybe I'm the one who forgot to write, forgot to call...), it's about the fact that, although we did some awful things to each other, I grew immensely because of it. It still hurts to think about, and I don't know what the final results will be of our relationship, in MY life. But I love you with a godly love, a hope that you will grow and learn, have faith, be blessed, be loved... and that you will deserve it, because you will be strong and honorable. I appreciate your struggle. You taught me a lot about compassion.
Daniel Utecht: I don't know where you are, I don't care to know. What you did really hurt me. As much as the thing itself, the fact that there was no apology, that you weren't there when I called, that the promises that you would be my friend forever seemed to disappear -- perhaps into -her-. But I loved you, when I knew you. You were precious to me. I don't care if you don't have anything to do with me. Maybe I wasn't any good for you. But I am really hurt at the thought of someone as wonderful as you doing harm, becoming less than you should be. I hope you have peace. I hope you have satisfaction. I hope one day you will stop settling for second best.
Mark Tippetts: After all the stuff we pulled with each other, after all the bullshit we went through, I have learned what a true friend you are. You have been hard to handle at times, and maybe it was only breaking up that would allow us to finally start treating each other with respect. The last three months (and more, but particularly the last three), you have stood up for me when I was hurt, been there when I needed you, put up with my bullshit when it was hurting you. I am sorry that I have put you through this shit, but I thank you.... I know there were other people who loved and supported me, but you were the one I knew I could count on when I absolutely had to fall apart. Maybe it would be different if you didn't live in the same building, but that doesn't make the support less valuable.
Wes Krieske: Well, you were my husband for three years. I feel like I still don't know why that happened. Maybe when I die, the time will you will stand out as the most stable and peaceful time of my life. Which may be why I don't know its value. But I know you believed in me, and in many ways still do, and maybe it just wasn't that kind of love, but the love that it was helped me grow stronger.
Tor Amundson: Maybe you are just good because you are so immovable, a mountain of a man, calm and unthreatened by the world; maybe the stuff that was me was just an adventure, a game; maybe I was a little bird, plucking at the moss growing in a crevice, barely noticeable by your standards. And maybe I shouldn't have fallen in love with you. Maybe I translated your stability and unshakable calm as something I loved because I needed it. But I don't believe that. Maybe it wasn't True Love, but we loved each other, and you made our imaginary world real. I love FM, but without you, it is just a really complicated chat room.
And finally....
Stan Williams: You are probably the only person on this list who will actually read this. And I don't know what to say to you. I counted on your acceptance. I wanted your approval. It's probably not the way to build romantic love. Maybe I will go away and grow. Maybe in another couple of decades, things will be different. Maybe without you, the rest of it doesn't mean a thing. It's all too fresh to know.
And maybe telling you to go the fuck away was the only way to get you to back off far enough that I could see what I am without you.
You tell me you didn't mean to, but you pulled me, tried to absorb me. You told me that we would believe and think and feel the same, that boundaries would disappear. I don't want that. I loved us different. I loved bringing you where I was, going where you were.
The things you are thinking are the problem? Well, they're not. They're symbols of my struggles to be free, to be myself, to be strong and belong to me without counting on someone else to mold my world and tell me how to be ok.
I am ok, with who I am, by myself. I feel guilt and shame because of some things, but I do not feel ashamed for loving, or trying to. I do not feel ashamed for trying to take the chance to make a beautiful life.
Finally, for you, Stan, I have to say, It's not about the sex. Yes, these are all people I have had sex with. And maybe sex was the right thing, maybe it was the wrong thing. If what you believe about God is right, which one of these was the "right" one, and all the others should have been gone? I think I know, but even so, these relationships, these people, shaped who I am, and would have done so if we'd only been friends. Yes, there are others. prominently Jerome Weaver and Lance Dwyer, Janel Adair Tenery, Laura Lagow, DeAnna Ferguson, and of course my mother, father, sister, aunts, cousins, grandparents...
And maybe you understand all this, and I just made the people, the names, the external symbols of my internal life too big. Maybe I'm too shallow, that I cannot let go of the ideas of things and people that stand for what I am and what I want in my life.
And maybe the point is, this is my family. This is what my world is shaped like. The good, the bad, the present, the past, the hope of the future, the forgotten, and the gee-i-never-want-to-go-THERE-again.
This is the Real "list." These are the people that I would tell anyone, if you want to know me, you need to know about ~this~. And these are the people that you don't ~get~ to know about until I let down my guard enough to let you really know me.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2002-02-02 05:31 pm (UTC)True, I was not happy with you putting yourself in another position to be used by Daniel. Nor did I want to give you the freedom to occasionally go have sex with the people you were used to having occasional sex with. This is me.
Show me people who treat you with respect, and i will respect them. I may even like them. I like a few of them already. You know, I like almost everyone to whom I have been introduced!
>>And maybe you understand all this, and I just made the people, the names, >>the external symbols of my internal life too big.
Many times, dear one, this has been the case. It has been crowded even when we have been alone.
And one more thing... I hope these words can convey the playful attitude with which I say this . . . it was not YOU that told ME to go the fuck away, if you recall.
(no subject)
Date: 2002-02-04 12:22 pm (UTC)It's been a long time in coming, but I am very sorry for what happened. I was scared, young, and foolish.
Thank you, and I love you always.
Thor
(no subject)
Date: 2002-02-04 03:35 pm (UTC)I am really weirded out how many people ARE actually reading this. Can you see me blushing?
Thank you for responding. Really. The support and love makes me grateful.
Kitty
(no subject)
Date: 2002-02-04 11:32 pm (UTC)Believe it or not, I went through with it, and am married. I have a wonderful wife who is carring my child (I still have a piss poor sense of timing). Me, a father. I pray I do not turn into my own, a bitter old man. I hope to be what I would want in a father, and more.
Health? Physically, I am good. I was, however, diagnosed with dysthymia (sp?), a kind of low-grade chronic depression, with bad bottom-outs. I am now on Wellbutrin (100mgs 2x a day), but it seems to not be working as well as it did. The depression/situation can be hard to deal with sometimes, but it's a bit easier now that it has a name, ya know?
(no subject)
Date: 2002-02-05 12:27 am (UTC)