(no subject)

[scyllacat]

I am such a loser. I can't stand it. My parents spent all this time, and of course, they were right, telling me not to think it was all about boys, and so all I did was chase boys, and finally got the one I was after all along, and what a pitiful broken thing he turned out to be. So I spent most of my life chasing this broken illusion and now I don't even have that, and I'm having to start over. No career, no family, no life. And what do I have? A handful of dates with people who I'm not really sure of, or who aren't sure of me.

I wish I could do something heinous and violent and destructive. I wish I could change something extreme and sudden. And I might.

Comments

[gallifreyan.livejournal.com]

Sounds like you need a copy of Dungeon Keeper or something.

I'm reminded of an epiphany I had some time in the last four years or so. I was in Canada (hard to believe) in a bar, watching the girl I was madly in several things for playing pool and flirting with anything male in the room. The song "Closing Time" by Semisonic was playing, and the part I sang along with then was "I know who I want to take me home" ... but the part that's stayed with me is "every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end."

I've "learned" (read: been forced) to be pragmatic when it comes to relationships. Some people see it as pessimism, some people see it as an acute awareness of stark reality. Some people don't see it at all. I've also learned not to tell my mom the latest news... I try to let my jubilance cool off so I don't get her hopes up.

I don't assume as much as I used to, but I'm always willing to believe, despite not being an X-phile. I can't say this has helped a lot, but in that way I guess it's like most religions.