The quick, the dead, and the fucking weird.

[scyllacat]

Sitting here up way too late and looking at all the people on my friends list I don't feel fit to be around, to need, to be jealous of.

Reminds me of a game that a couple played in "The Killing." The Hero's girl tells him how badly she missed him and how lost she was without him, and how she's not smart (maybe she is, maybe not, we don't know) or pretty (she's undoubtedly the most beautiful person in the film) and if he leaves her she won't be able to find happiness anywhere else.

I was raised to feel nauseated at such talk, but it's just the sort of hyperbole I'd indulge in, and sometimes do, in a low-self-esteem-day kind of way. I'd rather do it the other way, but every time I think of going to the people in my life I'd love to say, for some reason, I just need to be in your life... well, it just feels dumb.

And yes, I've been looking at friends journals, and wondering why they never seem to say anything about ME. People think I'm egotistical, and maybe I am, but it's hard to tell. I'm actually the sort of person who goes around looking in mirrors because they're not sure if they exist. If I did get on film, I'd watch it, fascinated, and I'd hate it, too.

Comments

[elorie.livejournal.com]

I'm actually the sort of person who goes around looking in mirrors because they're not sure if they exist.

Oh, me too, honey. I think I recognize that tendency, and maybe I don't say anything definitive about you because I have a feeling you'd take it too seriously...one of my little one-liner capsule portraits of someone and you'd be all puzzling over it. I would.

[scyllacat.livejournal.com]

You're absolutely right, but that's because you're one of the people I would consider worthy of making comment.

[flyswatter.livejournal.com]

I read your journal, but don't hang out with you nearly enough.

[scyllacat.livejournal.com]

That's probably my fault. Too tired or lazy or poor to go to Denny's on Wednesday and the theater on Saturday. Or maybe I'm just waiting for Halley to turn 18 so I'm not in danger of corrupting any (more) minors? :-P

I would like to see you more, because you have a great sense of humor, you seem sane, and you are huggable.

[sapphire-d.livejournal.com]

I actually *have* written about you in my journal, but not in a little while. Thing is, I never actually use anyone's name. :) You just gotta figure out who you is. We gotta get together soonishly.

[scyllacat.livejournal.com]

In order: I know. Sometimes you do. Yes. After this weekend.

[christ5ian.livejournal.com]

If you don't really exist, then I can think of one absolutely delightful hallucination I had at DragonCon.

So, if that is the case, you are the most compelling, sexy, intelligent hallucination I've ever had. And whatever induced that hallucination then, I tried to replicate it last year, and I'll try it again next year.

I miss you. Take care of yourself, and remember that lots of us out here are thinking of you, even if we dont say so. *smooch*

[scyllacat.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry I've been moody and hard to talk to. Try again?

Re:

[christ5ian.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure when I'll be on next, but I would love to try again.

[kelliecoo.livejournal.com]

Just from reading your journal, I always have thought you are a very honest person, and definitely never thought you had an ego :) Sometimes I find myself looking at what other people have and I get distraught and say to myself I should be farther than I am right now. I don't know if this relates to what you are feeling right now, but if it does, I hope it helps to hear someone else say that it's normal and everyone goes through low periods of doubt and low self-esteem and whatever else that makes us hard on ourselves. So, I know I have read way more into your post than maybe you wrote, but I was hoping this post would make you feel better. I think you are an incredibly strong person and you are doing great in life!

[scyllacat.livejournal.com]

Wow. I can't see why you would think that. But thank you.

Here's something I bet will make you laugh. I got to your journal through the other Kelli, kellinator, and I read it to see what ordinary folks are like.