Self-Answering

[scyllacat]

Wow, I got such interesting responses from my posts yesterday (and I didn't expect them), that I thought I'd like to ask you to go a little further -- or for those of you who were wondering what I was up to (someone described the entry as 'provocative') I'm putting this in the form of questions you can answer, if you choose.

Who would you rather talk to about problems in dealing with others, strangers or friends? Why? How does it differ?
What do you think is the right thing to do in dealing with something that someone does that bothers you? Is that what you actually do? How does it work for you? (Either way)

Do you talk about situations with other people with third parties? Do you consider this gossip? How does it differ and when? What rules do you follow (if any) to prevent your words from harming others? Where did you get them from? (Church, parents, experience, your own judgment).

Why do you think people gossip? Why do you think they 'dramatize' their lives, by 'broadcasting' their experiences?

Extra credit: Come up with a set of rules that, if everyone followed them, gossip would not happen/ hurt people, people would get their problems solved with others and emotional needs would be met.

After some of you have posted, I'll join in with my ideas. I don't want to be too leading, since I already wrote the questions.

Comments

[toastifer.livejournal.com]

I'd prefer to talk to a friend, for how can I weigh the advice of a stranger if I don't know them.

There are degrees of irritation, and I let the little things slide. I don't expect to agree with my friends on everything. I know if someone has a problem with me, I'd like to be told first, rather than hear of it second or third-hand...or worse, hear nothing at all.

Discretion is a must. If I tell you about my problems with my roommate, that's one thing. If you were to pass that along, that would be gossip. My rule of thumb is, 'If it doesn't directly concern me, don't say a word.'

Strangely relevant. I will need to think more on this. 8=)

[elorie.livejournal.com]

To my mind, the problem is not gossiping, but repeating gossip. As in "well I heard..." (secondhand), or going to someone and saying "well, so and so said that you..." That quickly gets out of hand entirely...

That means if you're going to bitch about your friends (which I think is OK, within reason), make sure it's with people who aren't going to repeat what you said. Either because 1) you know them well enough to know they won't, 2) they don't know the other people in question, or 3) it's vague enough that they're not completely sure who you're talking about. There are problems with those last two, of course. And media such as LJ, if you know that people read your journal, is sort of like repeating it without an intermediary. Even if you're certain they won't repeat what you say, it's not fair to put someone in the middle of a conflict when they are friends with both parties, but that person is also the one most likely to have observations based on their own direct experience. A person who doesn't know the other people can draw conclusions based on general opinions of human nature...less pertinent, perhaps, but also less of a moral quandary. Vagueness is, well, vague.

It's always better to talk to someone directly if you have an issue with them. That should be the default. But...that isn't always possible. Many people invite that kind of direct communication, and SAY they want to know, when they really don't and will get all over you if you take them at their word and try it. Sometimes discussing a situation with someone else helps to check your reactions...am I being unreasonable here? What's really going on? It's tricky, sometimes, to know the difference between that and having your prejudices reinforced...sometimes you just have to look at who you're talking to. My personal bellweather is Droid, who is a lot more calm and reasonable than I am. If he thinks someone else is being really unreasonable, they probably are. That isn't always fool-proof, either, though. And I think the intent should always be towards talking to the person directly, if possible.

The value of that kind of discussion is that it can help you figure things out by getting a different person's take on it. The danger is that it can magnify the conflict. Which one of those happens depends a lot on who you are talking to, whether they are the kind of person who likes to stir up drama or who seeks to minimize it, and your ability to evaluate your own intentions and reactions. Some people just should never do that sort of thing at all, because it always gets out of hand for them. Some people it never does. Some people have variable luck.

I'm not a big believer in hard and fast rules, so I'm no help there. Especially with something like this that depends so much on individual personalities. There are certain of my friends that I wouldn't mind if someone went to them asking how to approach me on a particular topic, mainly because I know they'd give an accurate response and would quell it if the conversation turned in the direction of "don't you think she's a bitch?" There are others that it would annoy the snot out of me if you did that. But...most of the time...if someone means well, I'm willing to cut them a lot of slack. See previous remarks about presumption of good faith. But I expect that presumption of good faith in return, as well.

[nausved.livejournal.com]

I find it easiest to open up about my problems to someone in between friend and stranger — someone who I know well enough to assess their personality, but someone who's distant enough that they don't (and probably will never) know my friends. This is because strangers are difficult to trust and friends can spread information to other friends.

If someone bothers you, and it's an understandable problem (like you don't want them to smoke around you), you should tell them straight off the bat. However, if it's some simple pet peeve of yours (such as you don't like it when they wear, say, baggy pants), you should learn to put up with it without complaint. However, I am shy and passive-aggressive, so instead of outright telling someone how they're bothering me, I ignore it, or at least pretend to. This doesn't work too well — it wears down on me, to the point where I only like to socialize in moderation, because otherwise I get annoyed without even knowing why.

I tend to not talk about my situations with third parties unless the person I'm talking to is, again, trustworthy but distant (and it is VERY rare for me to find people who are both), if I am trying to illustrate a point or mood (like when I wrote about my past friend Hope, who was recently returned to her family from DFCS), or unless I am only talking about the situation for entertainment's sake (like when I talk about my 7-year-old sister and her boyfriend). Sometimes, I vent to my parents, either to release steam or ask for advice.

It's difficult to define gossip. In the strictest sense, that is gossip — I am spreading information about people that does not directly involve the person I am speaking to. I tend to think of gossip more as he-said-she-said (as in the person spreading it is not directly involved in what happened) or with the purpose of giving a bias to the one you're talking to. (Of course, this would mean that history books are nothing but a lot of gossip.)

Again, I usually talk to people who don't know my friends in order to avoid any mishaps.

I think that people gossip for a very simple reason. It is a part of our nature because, as a species, we survive better if we learn things from others rather than have to learn everything firsthand ourselves. For example, if you hear that Bob has a bad temper from someone else, you know to be careful around Bob. But if no one told you about Bob's temper, you might do something stupid around him and end up in a really bad situation. Of course, the price of spreading important information like that also comes with the price of spreading more harmful information.

I also believe that people, particularly in this day and age, adore drama because they really have nothing better to do. Every person needs a certain amount of trauma in their life to be well-rounded. If you never have any serious trauma (and I'm talking about going from day to day not knowing if you'll live to see the sun tomorrow), and hardly any of us do, then less traumatic things seem like a bigger deal. Similarly, Southernors are famous for freaking out and buying bread and milk whenever there is snow — because we hardly ever see snow. For a Northernor, however, four inches of snow is nothing.

The only set of rules I can come up with is that people no longer be social animals. Our entire nature would have to be altered, because people thrive on communicating information, and some of that information is inevitably going to be about other people.

[gallifreyan.livejournal.com]

I have confessors, people whose judgment I trust, even if I don't always follow it. Generally the small number of people in that category have thoroughly earned my trust, and vice versa, so I'm completely comfortable with them. They provide a consistent reality check for me, never invoke a filtering instinct, and almost never say "I told you so."

I don't generally talk to strangers about personal things, at least not in detail... it's hard to reminisce with people you've never met, as someone once said (Carlin? Wright?) . That's not to say I never have, but it's infrequent.

I think gossip is for drama or social posture. If you're not looking for feedback or advice beyond "oh man, that sucks" or "do you want should Vinnie and I go whack her?" then it might be gossip.

That's all I can think of at the moment.

[adequatemagic.livejournal.com]

When I can, I talk about my problems with friends, but not friends who are involved, even tangentially. That isn't always easy, sadly (being online does lend one more opportunities to talk to 'disinterested friends', folks who like you, know you somewhat, but don't have a great deal of emotional investment in you)...

There are differences between 'gossip', 'venting' and 'seeking advice'... sometimes that's not as clear as it should be, though, so what gets said to one person by another who's 'venting' gets translated as 'gossip' elsewhere, with unpredictable consequences...